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2. If you had an entire month to do whatever you would like to do, what would it be? Include details and examples to support your explanation v.1

2. If you had an entire month to do whatever you would like to do, what would it be? Include details and examples to support your explanation v. 1
In this contemporary era, sports sponsorship has attracted a prodigious number of opinions. Some people believe that advertisements from various companies is a positive development, while others disagree, and reckon it to be pessimistic. I would try to substantiate both the views, and then give my opinion. To accentuate the outlook, which contemplates the sports sponsorship as a way of advertising by the companies, some savants propound that it has helped in raising a lot of funds for sports authorities as well as for the players. Thus, the level a game like Kabaddi, that was diminished earlier has also been elevated. Moreover, sports activities or tournaments, providing a huge platform, are the best way to reach out to the masses. To illustrate this, consider a country like India, where cricket is a religion, stadiums are full with spectators, and hence companies get a chance to showcase their brands. To embark on the compelling view, which reckons it to demonstrate more disadvantages, some people believe that because of the intervention of companies, sports as an activity has turned into a money minting machine. As a result, the feeling of enthusiasm and zeal for the game has dwindled, making everything commercialized. Apart from this, today we observe a proliferated duration of advertisement time during the match, than the game itself. To elucidate, let us consider the example of India versus Pakistan match, which lures the maximum stakes, and hence the spirit of the game gets hidden behind the illusion of brands. To summarize this, I would say that like the two sides of the coin, sports sponsorship also has two faces. It is right to say that it aids with a lot of monetary benefits to the needy organizations, but on the other hand it also mitigates the spirit of the game making it a business. Thus, I would recommend that an appropriate balance should be maintained which will not only help the forgotten sports to grow, but also keep the passion alive.
In this contemporary era,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
sponsorship has attracted a prodigious number of opinions.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that advertisements from various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
development, while others disagree, and reckon it to be pessimistic. I would try to substantiate both the views, and then give my opinion.

To accentuate the outlook, which contemplates the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
sponsorship as a way of advertising by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
savants propound that it has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
in raising
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
funds for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
authorities
as well
as for the players.
Thus
, the level a game like
Possible spelling mistake found.
Kabaddi
, that
was diminished
earlier has
also
been elevated
.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
activities or tournaments, providing a huge platform, are the best way to reach out to the masses. To illustrate this, consider a country like India, where cricket is a religion, stadiums are
The usual collocation for "full" is "of" not "with". Did you mean "full of"?
full with
spectators, and
hence
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a chance to showcase their brands.

To embark on the compelling view, which reckons it to demonstrate more disadvantages,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the intervention of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
as an activity has turned into a money minting machine.
As a result
, the feeling of enthusiasm and zeal for the game has dwindled, making everything commercialized. Apart from this,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
we observe a proliferated duration of advertisement time during the match, than the game itself. To elucidate,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
us consider the example of India versus Pakistan match, which lures the maximum stakes, and
hence
the spirit of the game
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
hidden behind the illusion of brands.

To summarize
this, I would say that like the two sides of the coin,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
sponsorship
also
has two faces. It is right to say that it aids with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
monetary benefits to the needy organizations,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
on the other hand
it
also
mitigates the spirit of the game making it a business.
Thus
, I would recommend that an appropriate balance should
be maintained
which will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the forgotten
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
to grow,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
the passion alive.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay 2. If you had an entire month to do whatever you would like to do, what would it be? Include details and examples to support your explanation v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
331 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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