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100 years ago, traveling by ship took weeks. Nowadays, developments in aviation mean that people can travel the same distance in hours. v.1

100 years ago, traveling by ship took weeks. Nowadays, developments in aviation mean that people can travel the same distance in hours. v. 1
I disagree with the generic opinion that every person is responsible for his own welfare and should not depend on the government for medical benefits. In my essay, I would discuss the reasons why citizens cannot always be held accountable for their health concerns and how the state can aid in this regards. Firstly, in localities with poor sanitation and unhygienic surroundings, residents often complain of ill health. The immediate environment jeopardises their immunity and self-care alone would not safeguard them. Secondly, with the industrialization, the environmental contamination has given rise to several diseases, which overpowers efforts of any individual. For example, from the Bhopal gas tragedy, people are still suffering from respiratory disorders, blame of which cannot be placed at the victim’s doorstep. Therefore, the government needs to ensure health care subsidies, to improve its citizen’s well-being. Primarily, underprivileged do not prioritize their health for financial reasons, providing free medical care to such segments would enable them to avail the services, promoting a healthy nation. For instance, as 30% of the Indian population is below the poverty line, the absence of free health aids could prove to be catastrophic. Similarly, free health care can also help the country’s administration to control epidemics. If not free, the poor wouldn’t approach a medical facility for regular checks, such evasion would increase casualties during any contagion and national economy would fall drastically. To sum up, though people opine that one’s health is in his own hands, in today’s world, external factors have a significant effect on one’s well-being. Therefore, government should arrange for free health care to the needy, with a stipulation of personal hygiene and addiction free lifestyle.
I disagree with the generic opinion that every person is responsible for his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
welfare and should not depend on the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
for medical benefits. In my essay, I would discuss the reasons why citizens cannot always
be held
accountable for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
concerns and how the state can aid in
Did you mean "these"?
this
regards.

Firstly
, in localities with poor sanitation and unhygienic surroundings, residents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
complain of ill
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
. The immediate environment
Possible spelling mistake. 'jeopardises' is British English.
jeopardises
their immunity and self-care alone would not safeguard them.
Secondly
, with the industrialization, the environmental contamination has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
rise to several diseases, which overpowers efforts of any individual.
For example
, from the Bhopal gas tragedy,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are
still
suffering from respiratory disorders, blame of which cannot
be placed
at the victim’s doorstep.

Therefore
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
needs to ensure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
subsidies, to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
its citizen’s well-being.
Primarily
, underprivileged do not prioritize their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
for financial reasons, providing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
medical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
to such segments would enable them to avail the services, promoting a healthy nation.
For instance
, as 30% of the Indian population is below the poverty line, the absence of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
aids could prove to be catastrophic.
Similarly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
can
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the country’s administration to control epidemics. If not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
, the poor wouldn’t approach a medical facility for regular
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
checks
, such evasion would increase casualties during any contagion and national economy would fall
drastically
.

To sum up, though
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
opine that one’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
is in his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
hands, in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s world, external factors have a significant effect on one’s well-being.
Therefore
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should arrange for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
to the needy, with a stipulation of personal hygiene and addiction
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
lifestyle.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay 100 years ago, traveling by ship took weeks. Nowadays, developments in aviation mean that people can travel the same distance in hours. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
277 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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