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(1) Nowadays children are undisciplined because their parents are busy with their career. ” To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? What could parents do to build a sense of discipline among children? v.1

(1) Nowadays children are undisciplined because their parents are busy with their career. ” with this opinion? What could parents do to build a sense of discipline among children? v. 1
One of the most conspicuous trends in today's life is a colossal upsurge in the number of people believing that children's are undisciplined because of the parents are busy with their career growth. There is a widespread worry that it will lead to myriads concern in one’s life. This essay strongly agrees that parents are busy with their career advancement and children's grow in an undisciplined manner. Firstly, this study will discuss the fact of spending more quality time with their children’s and secondly, discuss how to avoid over commitment to support their family needs. First of all, spending more space has proven to be successful in children's growth. This type of commitment to children's will help them to grow mentally and physically. Parents are able to guide the children to take correct decision’s and self-motive in all other aspects. The Asian countries are a prime example, where parents work under high pressure jobs and earn more money to support their family need's, while at the same point unable to guide their children's from undisciplined development. On the other hand that parents avoid their luxury lifestyle with minimum committal for family requirements. Parents' work in high pressure jobs and earn more money for their growth and not being able to afford quality space with children's. For instance, living for social status, buying expensive things, other social activities which are harmful in children's advancement. In the views of argument mentioned above, one can conclude, children’s will grow undisciplined if their parents busy with their career enhancement. This paper suggests that limiting the requirements of needs and this article also suggested that spending quality time with children’s can improve their advancement.
One of the most conspicuous trends in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's life is a colossal upsurge in the number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believing that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children's
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
undisciplined
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are busy with their career growth. There is a widespread worry that it will lead to myriads concern in one’s life. This essay
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agrees
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are busy with their career advancement and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children's
The word 'grow' is a verb. Did you mean the noun "growth"?
grow
in an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
undisciplined
manner.
Firstly
, this study will discuss the fact of spending more quality time with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
and
secondly
, discuss how to avoid over commitment to support their family needs.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, spending more space has proven to be successful in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children's
growth. This type of commitment to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children's
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to grow mentally and
physically
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Parents
are able to guide the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to take correct decision’s and self-motive in all other aspects. The Asian countries are a prime example, where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
work under high pressure jobs and earn more money to support their family need's, while at the same point unable to guide their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children's
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
undisciplined
development.

On the other hand
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
avoid their luxury lifestyle with minimum committal for family requirements. Parents' work in high pressure jobs and earn more money for their growth and not being able to afford quality space with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children's
.
For instance
, living for social status, buying expensive things, other social activities which are harmful in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children's
advancement.

In the views of argument mentioned above, one can conclude,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
will grow
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
undisciplined
if their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
busy with their career enhancement. This paper suggests that limiting the requirements of needs and this article
also
suggested that spending quality time with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their advancement.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
21Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
I am always sorry when any language is lost, because languages are the pedigrees of nations.
Samuel Johnson

IELTS essay (1) Nowadays children are undisciplined because their parents are busy with their career. ” with this opinion? What could parents do to build a sense of discipline among children? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
279 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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