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What older and younger people say makes them happy

What older and younger people say makes them happy a7DQX
The pie charts compare the information on how different activities affect people of younger and older generations. The greatest percentage in both age groups that bring them most happiness is the achievements at work by (31-32%). Also in two generations doing hobbies play a significant role, which equals between (22-24%). One of three factors that makes people under 30 happy, and constitutes (18%) of all, is having a good appearance. For elderly the appearance in not such important as financial security which consist (20%). The same with travelling, older people are not interested in travelling, they prefer staying at home and being more with family, they say they feel most happy when they are with their family, and it takes (15%) of their time, while the same percentage younger people spent to travel.
The pie charts compare the information on how
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
activities affect
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people
of younger and older generations.

The greatest percentage in both age groups that bring them most happiness is the achievements at work by (31-32%).
Also
in two generations doing hobbies play a significant role, which equals between (22-24%). One of three factors that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
under 30 happy, and constitutes (18%) of all, is having a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
appearance. For elderly the appearance in not such
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
as financial security which consist (20%). The same with travelling, older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are not interested in travelling, they prefer staying at home and being more with family, they say they feel most happy when they are with their family, and it takes (15%) of their time, while the same percentage younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
spent to travel.
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IELTS academic What older and younger people say makes them happy

Academic
  American English
2 paragraphs
133 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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