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Water consumption by sectors and countries

Water consumption by sectors and countries BYnPw
There is a graph and table which shows the water utilization by sector wise from year 1900 to 2000, and water usage in two countries in year 2000. Sectors are Agriculture, Industrial and Domestic, on the other hand, countries are Brazil and Democratic Republic of Congo. First of all, let’s discuss global water consumption by three sectors which I illustrated above. Line graph demonstrates that Agriculture sector has highest consumption rate of water and it gradually increases from 500 km^3 to 3000 km^3 for year 1900 to 2000. After that, industrial and Domestic sectors reach just above 1000 km^3 and almost 500 km^3 water dissipation respectively in the span of 100 years. Table reveals population, irrigated land and water consumption per capita data of Brazil and Congo in year 2000. Brazil has 176 million people growth, 26500 km^2 cultivated area and 359 m^3 water usage per person, but for Congo it is just 5. 2 million population, 100km^2 agriculture land and just 8m^3 water applications per capita. By analyzing both data it is clear that water consumption is mainly dependent on two factors, population and irrigated land.
There is a graph and table which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
the
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water
utilization by
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sector
wise from
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year
1900 to 2000, and
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water
usage in two countries in
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year
2000.
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Sectors
are Agriculture, Industrial and Domestic,
on the other hand
, countries are Brazil and Democratic Republic of Congo.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
’s discuss global
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water
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consumption
by three
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sectors
which I illustrated above. Line graph demonstrates that Agriculture
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sector
has
A determiner is probably missing here: "the highest".
highest
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consumption
rate of
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water
and it
gradually
increases from 500 km^3 to 3000 km^3 for
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year
1900 to 2000. After that, industrial and Domestic
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sectors
reach
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
above 1000 km^3 and almost 500 km^3
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water
dissipation
respectively
in the span of 100 years.

Table reveals population, irrigated land and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
water
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
consumption
per capita data of Brazil and Congo in
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year
2000. Brazil has 176 million
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people
growth, 26500 km^2 cultivated area and 359 m^3
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water
usage per person,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
for Congo it is
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just
5. 2 million population,
Insert a space between the numerical value and the unit symbol "100 km"
100km
^2 agriculture land and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
Insert a space between the numerical value and the unit symbol "8 m"
8m
^3
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
water
applications per capita.

By analyzing both data it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
water
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
consumption
is
mainly
dependent on two factors, population and irrigated land.
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IELTS academic Water consumption by sectors and countries

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
187 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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