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Visitors to a Local Cinema According to Age

Visitors to a Local Cinema According to Age A1Nx
The pie chart depicts the proportion of movie watchers with accordance to age in a local cinema in year 2000. Overall, it is clearly shown that the cinema was often visited by different age group with the majority being in the age group of 55 years and above. Half of the total movie viewers came from the population of older adults who are 55 years and older, representing the largest figure on the pie chart. Interestingly, children aged 10-15 ranked second having almost a quarter of the total watchers, followed by the age group of 16 to 20 years with 15%. The least who went to see movies were the young adults, 21-30 years old and middle-aged who were 31-45, constituting to 8% and 5% respectively. Taking everything into account, most people who spent time watching movies were the older adults and children to adolescents aged 10-20 years.
The pie chart depicts the proportion of
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movie
watchers with accordance to
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age
in a local cinema in
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year
2000.

Overall
, it is
clearly
shown that the cinema was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
visited by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
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age
group with the majority being in the
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age
group of 55 years and above.

Half of the total
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movie
viewers came from the population of older adults
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who
are 55 years and older, representing the largest figure on the pie chart.
Interestingly
, children aged 10-15 ranked second having almost a quarter of the total watchers, followed by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
group of 16 to 20 years with 15%. The least
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who
went to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
movies
were the young adults, 21-30 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
and middle-aged
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who
were 31-45, constituting to 8% and 5%
respectively
.

Taking everything into account, most
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
spent time watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
movies
were the older adults and children to adolescents aged 10-20 years.
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IELTS academic Visitors to a Local Cinema According to Age

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
148 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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