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The local cinema gose in the year

The local cinema gose in the year gRJA
The given pie chart gives information about the local cinema goers in the year 2000. The visitors to the cinema are divided into 5 main categories based on their age and the percentages of their numbers indicate that elder people went to movies more than younger people. As given in the chart, the percentage of older (over 54 years old) people who went to the cinema comprises more than half of the total cinema visitors. This indicates the trend of cinema watching tendency of older people. They went to visit cinema hall more frequently than all other cinema viewers. People who were between 31 to 45 years old showed the least interest and their percentage of visiting cinema went lowest (only 5%). Among the other three age groups ( aged from 10 to 30), younger people showed more interests than adults and thus the age group 10-15 went to watch cinema more than other two age groups. After the age 20, the interest of going to cinema declined according to the graph and that increased dramatically among the older people
The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
pie chart gives information about the local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cinema
goers in the year 2000. The visitors to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cinema
are divided
into 5 main categories based on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
and the percentages of their numbers indicate that elder
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
went
to movies more than younger
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

As
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
in the chart, the percentage of older (over 54 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
)
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people
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
went
to the
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cinema
comprises more than half of the total
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cinema
visitors. This indicates the trend of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cinema
watching tendency of older
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people
. They
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went
to visit
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cinema
hall more
frequently
than all other
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cinema
viewers.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
who were
Use "between" + "and" not "to." Try this: "between 31 and 45".
between 31 to 45
years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
the least interest and their percentage of visiting
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cinema
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
went
lowest (
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
5%). Among the other three
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
groups
Don't put a space after the opening parenthesis
(
aged from 10 to 30), younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
more interests than adults and
thus
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
group 10-15
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
went
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cinema
more than other two
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
groups. After the
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age
20, the interest of going to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cinema
declined according to the graph and that increased
dramatically
among the older
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
people

IELTS academic The local cinema gose in the year

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
179 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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