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The diagram below shows the process by which bricks are manufactured for the building industry.

The diagram below shows the process by which bricks are manufactured for the building industry. 0gjn
The diagram illustrates how to produce bricks and deliver for clientele and use as construction buildings. Overall it contains over seven stages which begins to dig ground in for clay with huge digger and ends with delivering up to customers. As we can see in this diagram, firstly the clay is dug with digger and sieve through the metal grid which brings by roller to mix up sand and water. After that the clayey mixture is placed into the brick machine or mould, then immature bricks are piled up and put in the drying oven about 24 - 48 hours. After drying the bricks which are getting into another oven for kilning then products faces several process there. Initially bricks kiln at moderate temperature about 200⁰C - 980⁰C. In the next stage bricks kiln to high temperature is about 870⁰C - 1300⁰C. Before packaging, the bricks are left in cooling chamber in order to cool approximately two or three days. After packaging, the bricks are delivered to customers by trucks
The diagram illustrates how to produce
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bricks
and deliver for clientele and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
as construction buildings.

Overall
it contains over seven stages which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begins
to dig ground in for clay with huge digger and ends with delivering up to customers.

As we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
in this diagram,
firstly
the clay
is dug
with digger and sieve through the metal grid which brings by roller to mix up sand and water. After that the clayey mixture
is placed
into the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
brick
machine or
Possible spelling mistake. 'mould' is British English.
mould
, then immature
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bricks
are piled
up and put in the drying oven about
Consider using an n-dash (half dash), if you want to indicate numerical ranges or time ranges.
24 - 48
hours. After drying the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bricks
which are getting into another oven for kilning then products faces
Possible agreement error. The noun process seems to be countable; consider using: "several processes".
several process
there.
Initially
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bricks
kiln at moderate temperature about 200⁰C
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
980⁰C. In the
next
stage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bricks
kiln to high temperature is about 870⁰C
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
1300⁰C.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Before
packaging, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bricks
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
in cooling chamber in order to cool approximately two or three days. After packaging, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bricks
are delivered
to customers by
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
trucks

IELTS academic The diagram below shows the process by which bricks are manufactured for the building industry.

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
169 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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