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visitors in mesuem during the year and after the year

visitors in mesuem during the year and after the year PRqWg
The pie chart elucidates the number of visitors to Ash down museum during the year and the year after its refurbished, Furthermore it also outage the results of survey asking visitors how satisfied during two different periods. The total number of visitors before renovation were 74000 whereas it got increased to 92000 later. Before the replacement the very satisfied were just one fourth but after the works done it got a rise up to 35%, Moreover Satisfied also were initially at 30% and got a slight increase to 40% which has a variation of 10%, Meanwhile the Dissatisfied got a sudden down between years before and after the work at first it was 40% but now its one fourth of overall. Very Dissatisfied were in 10% on the contrary later it got reduced to 5%. The no response persons remains the same for both the situations before and after the convection.
The pie chart elucidates the number of visitors to Ash down museum during the year and the year after its refurbished,
Furthermore
it
also
outage the results of survey asking visitors how satisfied during two
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
periods.

The total number of visitors
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
before
renovation were 74000 whereas it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
got
increased to 92000 later.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Before
the replacement the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
satisfied were
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
one fourth
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
after the works done it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
got
a rise up to 35%,
Moreover
Satisfied
also
were
initially
at 30% and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
got
a slight increase to 40% which has a variation of 10%, Meanwhile the Dissatisfied
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
got
a sudden down between years
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
before
and after the work at
first
it was 40%
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
its one fourth of
overall
.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Very
Dissatisfied were in 10%
on the contrary
later it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
got
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
to 5%. The no response persons remains the same for both the situations
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
before
and after the convection.
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IELTS academic visitors in mesuem during the year and after the year

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
151 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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