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unemployments rate among rural and urban population of Australia divided by quarters over the year in 2012

unemployments rate among rural and urban population of Australia divided by quarters over the year in 2012 qRP8p
The graph is illustrating the trends of unemployment among rural and urban geographies periodically in the year 2012. Overall, there has been a steady increase in the people without a livelihood in urban areas than in rural areas. Although, the percentage of persons without jobs is high is rural areas (6. 5 percent), the graph has seen a downfall from the first quarter to second and then in the final quarter. The members of urban societies that are unemployed were between 2 to 3 percent in first one third of the year, they were in rising numbers till the end of second quarter but then saw a dip in third quarter to 2 percent from previous 4 percent in the second quarter of the year. However, their numbers again increased and touched 5 percent at the end of the year. Nearly, 6. 5 percent of rural population were jobless during the first third of the year, but then the numbers steadily decreased a decent amount upto 4. 5 percent in the second quarter. Although there was a slight increase in third quarter to 5. 5 percent, they managed to get the numbers down by 0. 5 percent by the end of the year.
The graph is illustrating the trends of unemployment among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rural
and urban geographies
periodically
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
2012.

Overall
, there has been a steady increase in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
without a livelihood in urban areas than in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rural
areas.
“Although” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Although
, the percentage of persons without jobs is high is
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rural
areas (6. 5
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percent)
, the graph has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
a downfall from the
first
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quarter
to second and then in the final quarter.

The members of urban societies that
are unemployed
were
Use "between" + "and" not "to." Try this: "between 2 and 3".
between 2 to 3
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percent
in
first
one third of the
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year
, they were in rising
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numbers
till the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of second
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quarter
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
then
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
a dip in third
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quarter
to 2
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percent
from previous 4
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percent
in the second
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quarter
of the
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year
.
However
, their
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numbers
again increased and touched 5
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percent
at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of the year.

Nearly
, 6. 5
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percent
of
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rural
population were jobless during the
first
third of the
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year
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
then the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
numbers
steadily
decreased a decent amount
Possible spelling mistake found.
upto
4. 5
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percent
in the second
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
quarter
.
“Although” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Although
there was a slight increase in third
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
quarter
to 5. 5
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percent
, they managed to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the
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numbers
down by 0. 5
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percent
by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
.

IELTS academic unemployments rate among rural and urban population of Australia divided by quarters over the year in 2012

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
203 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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