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UAE budget on different sectors in the year 2000

UAE budget on different sectors in the year 2000 m3bmd
The pie chart illustrates the amount of resources spent in UAE budget on different sectors in the year 2000. It is clearly evident that social security and health and personal social services made up almost half of the total budget expenditure. According to the chart, social security expenses accounted for the largest segment of the total, at AED 100 billion, and this was followed by health and personal social services which constituted nearly half of that of social security. The other sectors are quite smaller compared to two. UAE government spent AED 38 billion on education, third largest part of the budget. Debt interest and other expenditures which were not mentioned in the graph were around 23 billion while the money allocated to defense was slightly lower, at 22 billion. Law and order, housing, heritage and environment, and industry, agriculture and employment accounted for 17, 15, and 13 billion respectively. Transport, the last sector, made up the smallest part of the government spending at 9 billion.
The pie chart illustrates the amount of resources spent
A determiner is probably missing here: "in the UAE".
in UAE
budget on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
sectors in the year 2000. It is
clearly
evident that
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social
security and health and personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
services made up almost half of the total budget expenditure.

According to the chart,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
security expenses accounted for the largest segment of the total, at AED 100
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billion
, and this
was followed
by health and personal
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social
services which constituted
nearly
half of that of
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social
security.

The other sectors are quite smaller compared to two. UAE
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
spent AED 38
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billion
on education, third largest part of the budget. Debt interest and other expenditures which were not mentioned in the graph were around 23
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billion
while the money allocated to defense was
slightly
lower, at 22 billion.

Law and order, housing, heritage and environment, and industry, agriculture and employment accounted for 17, 15, and 13
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
billion
respectively
. Transport, the last sector, made up the smallest part of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
spending at 9
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
billion
.
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IELTS academic UAE budget on different sectors in the year 2000

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
166 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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