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The bar chart illustrates occupations of the employees according to their gender in the UK in 2005.

The bar chart illustrates occupations of the employees according to their gender in the UK in 2005. YwgA5
The bar chart illustrates occupations of the employees according to their gender in the UK in 2005. It is clear that there were a vast majority of women employees who worked in administrative and secretarial departments. However, men working in numbers of professions were more than in women in UK in 2005. On one hand, we can easily see that 22% of females worked in administrative and secretarial professions. Additionally, 15% female employed as associate professional and technician which was higher than male’s proportion 2%. On the other hand, the proportion of skilled trades male accounted for 20%, which was higher than male manager and senior official occupations 2%. Beside that, 12% was the number of male working in Process, plant and machine operation as well as in Elementary occupation which was higher than the number of female workers. An equal figure of female working in the profession, manager and senior were 11% each which was lower than male’s figures 4% and 7% respectively. Meanwhile 2% of females are skilled trades and process, plants and machine operators, the same as the figure of male in personal service employment. Overall, both the genders have different choosing options to select a job. More men are traders and women are administrative and secretarial.
The bar chart illustrates occupations of the employees according to their gender in the UK in 2005.

It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that there were a vast majority of women employees who worked in administrative and secretarial departments.
However
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
working in numbers of professions were more than in women in UK in 2005.

On one hand, we can
easily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that 22% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
worked in administrative and secretarial professions.
Additionally
, 15%
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
employed as associate professional and technician which was higher than male’s proportion 2%.

On the other hand
, the proportion of skilled trades male accounted for 20%, which was higher than male manager and senior official occupations 2%. Beside that, 12% was the number of male working in Process, plant and machine operation
as well
as in Elementary occupation which was higher than the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
workers. An equal figure of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
working in the profession, manager and senior were 11% each which was lower than male’s figures 4% and 7%
respectively
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Meanwhile
2% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
are skilled
trades and process, plants and machine operators, the same as the figure of male in personal service employment.

Overall
, both the genders have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
choosing options to select a job. More
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
are traders and women are administrative and secretarial.
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IELTS academic The bar chart illustrates occupations of the employees according to their gender in the UK in 2005.

Academic
  American English
5 paragraphs
210 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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