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the trends comparison of people aged 65 years and over quantity in the USA, Sweden, and Japan between six periods

the trends comparison of people aged 65 years and over quantity in the USA, Sweden, and Japan between six periods oVYmg
This diagram shows the trends comparison of people aged 65 years and over quantity in the USA, Sweden, and Japan between six periods, started from 1940 to 2040. Overall, these countries shows their different dynamics on that age population in each period. In the USA, the population of people aged 65 years and over, relatively, has fluctuative progress, at least until 2020. Meanwhile, in Sweden, the population of that age range tend to be increased on every period, although this country had faced some decrease moments of that population quantity. Apart from that, the radical increase of the population of people aged 65 years and over could be seen on Japan, which had started after 2020. Initially, in the previous periods, Japan had a stable trend of that population quantity. Although Japan has a substantial increase rather than the other countries, this country actually have shown its mesmerizing progress, which had started after 2000.
This diagram
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shows
the
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trends
comparison of
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people
aged 65 years and over quantity in the USA, Sweden, and
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Japan
between six periods,
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started
from 1940 to 2040.
Overall
, these
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countries
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
their
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different
dynamics on that age
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population
in each period.

In the USA, the
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population
of
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people
aged 65 years and over,
relatively
, has
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fluctuative
progress, at least until 2020.

Meanwhile, in Sweden, the
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population
of that age range tend to
be increased
on every period, although this
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country
had faced
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some
decrease moments of that
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population
quantity.

Apart from that, the radical increase of the
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population
of
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people
aged 65 years and over could be
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seen
on
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Japan
, which had
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
after 2020.
Initially
, in the previous periods,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Japan
had a stable trend of that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
quantity. Although
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Japan
has a substantial increase
rather
than the other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
, this
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country
actually have shown its mesmerizing progress, which had
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
after 2000.
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IELTS academic the trends comparison of people aged 65 years and over quantity in the USA, Sweden, and Japan between six periods

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
154 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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