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The table chart shows female work as employee and manage in 5 countries?

The table chart shows female work as employee and manage in 5 countries? E3MNB
the provided tabular chart illustrate how many females worked as employee as well as manager in five different nations such as Australia, Egypt, Sri Lankan, Japan and United States. Overall, it is vivid that there was highest proportion of women worker in United States. Whereas, the least percentage of a managers was observed in Japan in 1990. In detail, a considerable (48%) percentage of woman worker staff in japan. Which was significantly higher then manager by 31%. However, in United States there was minimal difference of 3% in the proportion of female employee as well as managers in the year of 1990. Whereas, in Australia the percentage of women remain almost same in both cases. Which accounted for approximately 42%. Moving forwards, in China the ratio of women worker was 41% which was slightly less than five time than then proportion of managers in the same year. In Egypt the percentile of women worker and managers was 20% and 12% respectively.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
the
provided tabular chart illustrate how
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
females worked as employee
as well
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
manager
in five
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
nations such as Australia, Egypt, Sri Lankan, Japan and United States.
Overall
, it is vivid that there was
A determiner is probably missing here: "the highest".
highest
proportion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
worker
A determiner is probably missing here: "in the United States".
in United States
.
“Whereas” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Whereas
, the least percentage of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
managers
was observed
in Japan in 1990. In detail, a considerable (48%) percentage of woman
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
worker
staff in japan.
“Which” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Which
was
significantly
Did you mean "higher than"?
higher then
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
manager
by 31%.
However
,
A determiner is probably missing here: "in the United States".
in United States
there was minimal difference of 3% in the proportion of female employee
as well
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
managers
in the year of 1990.
“Whereas” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Whereas
, in Australia the percentage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
remain almost same in both cases. Which accounted for approximately 42%. Moving forwards, in China the ratio of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
worker
was 41% which was
slightly
less than five time than then proportion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
managers
in the same year. In Egypt the percentile of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
worker
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
managers
was 20% and 12%
respectively
.
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IELTS academic The table chart shows female work as employee and manage in 5 countries?

Academic
  American English
1 paragraphs
161 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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