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The table below gives information about females employment rates in government sites and the position of managers in five countries

The table below gives information about females employment rates in government sites and the position of managers in five countries 2RA5M
The given table depicts the percentage of female employment in government sector and the management positions held by woman in Ukraine, Tobago, Italy, Japan and Canada. At the onset, women in Canada had the greatest proportions of not only employment rates in government sites but also the position of manager. Whereas, women held seats in government section was in the lowest rates in Japan. There are 16% female employment in government section, while Italy have almost the same figure, at 15%. In comparison to Japan, the women were barely employed in government sites, with 8%. There was no significant difference between the percentage of female employment in Ukraine and Tobago, which was 12% and 13% respectively. With regard to manager sector, Canadian women also have the highest figures, at 54%, however, the lowest proportion of women in management positions was in Ukraine, with 23%. The female had the similar percentage in Tobago and Japan, which was 32%. There was 36% of female managers in Italy.
The
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given
table depicts the percentage of
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female
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employment
in
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government
sector and the management positions held by woman in Ukraine, Tobago, Italy, Japan and Canada.

At the onset,
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women
in Canada had the greatest proportions of not
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only
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employment
rates in
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government
sites
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but
also
the position of manager.
“Whereas” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Whereas
,
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women
held seats in
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government
section was in the lowest rates in Japan.

There are 16%
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female
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employment
in
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government
section, while Italy have almost the same figure, at 15%.
In comparison
to Japan, the
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women
were
barely
employed in
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government
sites, with 8%. There was no significant difference between the percentage of
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female
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employment
in Ukraine and Tobago, which was 12% and 13%
respectively
. With regard to manager sector, Canadian
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women
also
have the highest figures, at 54%,
however
, the lowest proportion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
in management positions was in Ukraine, with 23%. The
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female
had the similar percentage in Tobago and Japan, which was 32%. There was 36% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
managers in Italy.
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IELTS academic The table below gives information about females employment rates in government sites and the position of managers in five countries

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
165 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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