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The table above illustrates several branches of job employment which are divided into 3 groups according to age feature.

The table above illustrates several branches of job employment which are divided into 3 groups according to age feature. WqLRb
The table gives information about the employment sectors of people from three different age group. The various sectors are agriculture, manufacturing, catering, local government, health, retail, law, accountancy, education and others. Overall, the proportion of people working in various sectors varied depending upon the age group. Firstly, people in the age group of 18-25 were mostly working in retail industry and least was accountancy. Secondly, people in the age group 25-40 were employed in other sectors. Lastly, people in the age group between 45 and 60 were working in manufacturing industry. In the 18-25 age group, it was observed that 23 people being the highest worked in the retail sector and the least were 3 people who worked in the accountancy sector. The accountancy sector was the least desired for people of all age groups. Agriculture and manufacturing industry saw a rise in employed people in each age group. Catering and retail sector observed a less preference by senior people. The number of people in law sector was only four and it remained constant across all the age group. Those working in the heath sector has similar count in both youth and senior generation, with the highest count being the middle age group(25-40 years). A Large proportion of senior people were working in the local government and this is the second most preferred profession of that age group
The table gives information about the employment
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sectors
of
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people
from three
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different
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age
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group
. The various
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sectors
are agriculture, manufacturing, catering, local
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
, health,
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retail
, law, accountancy, education
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
and others
.

Overall
, the proportion of
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people
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working
in various
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sectors
varied depending upon the
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age
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group
.
Firstly
,
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people
in the
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age
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group
of 18-25 were
mostly
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working
in
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retail
industry and least was accountancy.
Secondly
,
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people
in the
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age
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group
25-40
were employed
in other
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sectors
.
Lastly
,
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people
in the
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age
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group
between 45 and 60 were
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working
in manufacturing industry.

In the 18-25
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age
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group
, it
was observed
that 23
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people
being the highest worked in the
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retail
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sector
and the least were 3
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people
who worked in the accountancy
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sector
. The accountancy
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sector
was the least desired for
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people
of all
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age
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groups
. Agriculture and manufacturing industry
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saw
a rise in employed
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people
in each
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age
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group
. Catering and
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retail
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sector
observed a less preference by senior
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people
.

The number of
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people
in law
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sector
was
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only
four and it remained constant across all the
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age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
. Those
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working
in the heath
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sector
has similar count in both youth and senior generation, with the highest count being the middle
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age
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group(25-40
years). A Large proportion of senior
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people
were
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working
in the local
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
and this is the second most preferred profession of that
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age
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
group
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IELTS academic The table above illustrates several branches of job employment which are divided into 3 groups according to age feature.

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
227 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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