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The provided bar chart illustrates the proportion of popular leisure activities, such as sports, computer games, music and shopping among Canadian teenagers.

The provided bar chart illustrates the proportion of popular leisure activities, such as sports, computer games, music and shopping among Canadian teenagers. wOe9Y
The provided bar chart illustrates the proportion of popular leisure activities, such as sports, computer games, music and shopping among Canadian teenagers. In general, it can be clearly observed Canadian boys are addicted to shopping while the least amount of girls are interested in this leisure activity instead. First of all, it is worth mentioning that both male's ​​​​​and female's percentages in the same proportion in music activities, showing almost 20 per cent. Due to the fact  in the terms of shopping interests reached a peak at 35%, while girls shopping represents its lowest point at 5%. Besides that, sports rate outnumbered by 15 per cent in favor of boys. Moreover, there is a slight difference between boys and girls in computer game activities, indicating about 17% and 13% respectively.
The provided bar chart illustrates the proportion of popular leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
, such as sports, computer games, music and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
among Canadian
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
.

In general
, it can be
clearly
observed Canadian boys
are addicted
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
while the least amount of girls
Possible agreement error. Did you mean "is"? (Some collective nouns can be treated as both singular and plural, so 'are' is not always incorrect.)
are
interested in this leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
instead
.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, it is worth mentioning that both
Incorrect plural form; it does not need any apostrophe. Did you mean "males"?
male's
​​​​​and female's percentages in the same proportion in music
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
, showing almost 20 per cent. Due to the fact
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
in the terms of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
interests reached a peak at 35%, while girls
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
represents its lowest point at 5%.

Besides
that, sports rate outnumbered by 15 per cent in favor of boys.
Moreover
, there is a slight difference between boys and girls in computer game
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
, indicating about 17% and 13%
respectively
.
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IELTS academic The provided bar chart illustrates the proportion of popular leisure activities, such as sports, computer games, music and shopping among Canadian teenagers.

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
130 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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