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the char illustrates amount of money spent on alcohol and drugs

the char illustrates amount of money spent on alcohol and drugs 8dLoV
The given pie chart illustrates the billions of US dollars spent on alcohol and drugs over a period of 17 years. To begin with, it shown in the chart that around $140 billion were spent in 1975 and 1977 and it shot up to over $180 billion spent in 1980, which was the highest on the graph. In addition, they steep declined in 1985 and spent around only $100 billion on alcohol and followed by a rise of nearly $160 million in 1992. Moving further to drugs, a similar pattern showed. In addition, a less amount money spent in 1975 in 1977, which was around merely $40 billion. Next, in 1980 and 1992, almost same amount of money spent on drugs was $100 billion. However, merely $60 million spent in 1985 on drugs. Overall, people spent more money on alcohol as compared to drugs, but in alcohol, the same amount of money was spent in 1975 and 1992.
The
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given
pie chart illustrates the
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billions
of US dollars
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spent
on
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alcohol
and
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drugs
over a period of 17 years.

To
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begin
with, it
Possible grammatical error. You used a past participle without using any required verb ('be' or 'have'). Did you mean "showed"?
shown
in the chart that around $140
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billion
were
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spent
in 1975 and 1977 and it shot up to over $180
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billion
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spent
in 1980, which was the highest on the graph.
In addition
, they steep declined in 1985 and
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spent
around
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only
$100
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billion
on
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alcohol
and followed by a rise of
nearly
$160 million in 1992.

Moving
further
to
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drugs
, a similar pattern
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
.
In addition
, a less amount
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money
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spent
in 1975 in 1977, which was around
merely
$40
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billion
.
Next
, in 1980 and 1992, almost same amount of
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money
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spent
on
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drugs
was $100
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billion
.
However
,
merely
$60 million
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spent
in 1985 on drugs.

Overall
,
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people
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spent
more
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money
on
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alcohol
as compared to
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drugs
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
alcohol
, the same amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
was
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spent
in 1975 and 1992.
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IELTS academic the char illustrates amount of money spent on alcohol and drugs

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
158 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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