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the proportion of men and women of various ages in Australia who exercised regularly in 2010

the proportion of men and women of various ages in Australia who exercised regularly in 2010 aJxQ9
The bar chart depicts the proportion of men and women of various ages in Australia who exercised regularly in 2010. The 15-24 age group had the highest range of men (52. 8%) of any age group. Then it dropped to 39. 5% among those aged 35 to 44, before increasing to 46. 7% for those aged 65 and over. On the other hand, the women's range in the lowest ages, engaged in regular exercise, which began at 47. 7% and steadily increased with age, peaking at 53. 3% in the 45-54 age group. Then began to decline again, with 47. 1% of individuals in the oldest age group exercising regularly. To conclude, the men's range peaked in the 15-24 age group and then fell to its lowest point in the 35-44 age group, whereas the women's range grew gradually and peaked in the 45-54 age group. In any case, these ranges are attained in the same way by people aged 65 and up.
The bar chart depicts the proportion of
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men
and women of various
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ages
in Australia who exercised
regularly
in 2010.

The 15-24
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age
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group
had the highest
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range
of
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men
(52. 8%) of any
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age
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group
. Then it dropped to 39. 5% among those aged 35 to 44,
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before
increasing to 46. 7% for those aged 65 and over.
On the other hand
, the women's
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range
in the lowest
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ages
, engaged in regular exercise, which began at 47. 7% and
steadily
increased with
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age
, peaking at 53. 3% in the 45-54
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age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
. Then began to decline again, with 47. 1% of individuals in the oldest
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age
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group
exercising
regularly
.

To conclude
, the
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men
's
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range
peaked in the 15-24
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age
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group
and then fell to its lowest point in the 35-44
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
, whereas the women's
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range
grew
gradually
and peaked in the 45-54
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
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group
. In any case, these
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ranges
are attained
in the same way
by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
aged 65 and up.
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IELTS academic the proportion of men and women of various ages in Australia who exercised regularly in 2010

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
163 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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