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The pie chart describes the employment sectors in 2019.

The pie chart describes the employment sectors in 2019. QNMw
The pie chart describes the employment sectors in 2019. The statistics given in the scheme were collected from Brighton University graduates. Overall, the wast majority of students went into service and manufacturing industries. Furthermore, the amount of people who chose these sedulities equals nearly 50%. In contrast, the least preferred employment sectors are charity and sport since the percentage they in brief is only 0. 4% of the blueprint. According to the blueprint, the summarized amount of people who chose education as well as politics and government as their profession equals approximately a quarter of the total percentage of the scheme. Apart from this, roughly forth of the chart is spread between the rest of the sectors. Hence the transportation and warehousing along with science and technology segments are indeed the most popular occupations chosen in the last fourth of the scheme.
The pie chart
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
describes
the employment sectors in 2019. The statistics
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
in the scheme
were collected
from Brighton University graduates.

Overall
, the wast majority of students went into service and manufacturing industries.
Furthermore
, the amount of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who chose these
Possible spelling mistake found.
sedulities
equals
nearly
50%.
In contrast
, the least preferred employment sectors are charity and sport since the percentage they
in brief
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
0. 4% of the blueprint.

According to the blueprint, the summarized amount of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who chose education
as well
as politics and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
as their profession equals approximately a quarter of the total percentage of the scheme. Apart from this, roughly forth of the chart
is spread
between the rest of the sectors.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Hence
the transportation and warehousing along with science and technology segments are
indeed
the most popular occupations chosen in the last fourth of the scheme.
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IELTS academic The pie chart describes the employment sectors in 2019.

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
142 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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