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the percentages of tourists coming into four various tourist refreshment attractions in Bangkok, Thailand

the percentages of tourists coming into four various tourist refreshment attractions in Bangkok, Thailand PRdVK
The bar chart portrays the percentages of tourists coming into four various tourist refreshment attractions in Bangkok, Thailand over four continuous years from 2014 to 2017. Overall, it is obviously seen 2016 gained the highest record of visitors entering to Thailand and in contrary, 2017 seemed to stand at the lowest and having lowest tour amounts at all recorded areas. The most popular place of all time can be seen as wax museum where the amount of visitors at the first year was found as 45% and it did not dropped from that level over times, nearly 70% in 2015, over 80% in 2016 and 75% in 2017. Bangkok Zoo was found least attracted to tourists with its highest record of 50% in 2014. On the other hand the highest records of the other refreshment places were a lot higher than that of its, 70% for Sea World in 2014, 80% for wax museum and 100% for China town in 2016 respectively. The least amount of tourist entry was also found in Bangkok Zoo as around 5% in 2017. In 2015 and 2016 also, the Bangkok Zoo stood at the least entry among four places with data around 20% in both years. Surprisingly, the amount of visitors in China town had a sudden sharp drop in 2017 after continuous uprising starting from 2014 to 2016 until it reached to 100%. In 2017, it is not only in China town but also in the rest areas the entry was seen a deep drop. Even though the Sea word had a great record at the first years, the entry to that place dropped down to lower than half in next year. Later it showed a rise of 5% and unfortunately, it became fewer than 20% in the last year, 2017. For Wax Museum, it was not reduced badly even in 2017 as it was the people’s favorite of all time in Thailand for world’s tourists.
The bar chart portrays the percentages of
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tourists
coming into four various
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tourist
refreshment attractions in Bangkok, Thailand over four continuous years from 2014 to 2017.
Overall
, it is
obviously
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
2016 gained the highest
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record
of visitors entering to Thailand and in contrary, 2017 seemed to stand at the lowest and having
A determiner is probably missing here: "the lowest".
lowest
tour
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amounts
at all recorded areas.

The most popular
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place
of all time can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
as wax museum where the
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amount
of visitors at the
first
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year
was found
as 45% and it did not
After the auxiliary verb 'do', use the base form of a verb. Did you mean "drop"?
dropped
from that level over times,
nearly
70% in 2015, over 80% in 2016 and 75% in 2017. Bangkok Zoo
was found
least attracted to
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tourists
with its highest
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record
of 50% in 2014.
On the other hand
the highest
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records
of the other refreshment
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places
were a lot higher than that of its, 70% for Sea World in 2014, 80% for wax museum and 100% for China town in 2016
respectively
. The least
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amount
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourist
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entry
was
also
found in Bangkok Zoo as around 5% in 2017. In 2015 and 2016
also
, the Bangkok Zoo stood at the least
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entry
among four
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places
with data around 20% in both years.
Surprisingly
, the
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amount
of visitors in China town had a sudden sharp drop in 2017 after continuous uprising starting from 2014 to 2016 until it reached to 100%. In 2017, it is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
in China town
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
in the rest areas the
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entry
was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
a deep drop.
Even though
the Sea word had a great
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record
at the
first
years, the
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entry
to that
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place
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "dropped".
dropped down
to lower than half in
next
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year
. Later it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
a rise of 5% and unfortunately, it became fewer than 20% in the last
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year
, 2017.

For Wax Museum, it was not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
badly
even in 2017 as it was the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’s favorite of all time in Thailand for world’s
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tourists
.
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IELTS academic the percentages of tourists coming into four various tourist refreshment attractions in Bangkok, Thailand

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
323 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
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  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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