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The line graph show the expenditure

The line graph show the expenditure NlWW0
It is clear that parents spent more money each year on their children’s participation in sports over the six-year period. In terms of the number of children taking part, football was significantly more popular than athletics and swimming. In 2008, British parents spent an average of around £20 per month on their children’s sporting activities. Parents’ spending on children’s sports increased gradually over the following six years, and by 2014 the average monthly amount had risen to just over £30. Looking at participation numbers, in 2008 approximately 8 million British children played football, while only 2 million children were enrolled in swimming clubs and less than 1 million practised athletics. The figures for football participation remained relatively stable over the following 6 years. By contrast, participation in swimming almost doubled, to nearly 4 million children, and there was a near fivefold increase in the number of children doing athletics.
It is
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clear
that parents spent more money each year on their
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children’s
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participation
in sports
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over
the six-year period. In terms of the number of
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children
taking part, football was
significantly
more popular than athletics and swimming.

In 2008, British parents spent an average of around £20 per month on their
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children’s
sporting activities. Parents’ spending on
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children’s
sports increased
gradually
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over
the following six years, and by 2014 the average monthly amount had risen to
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just
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over
£30.

Looking at
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participation
numbers, in 2008 approximately 8
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million
British
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children
played football, while
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only
2
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million
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children
were enrolled
in swimming clubs and less than 1
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million
Possible spelling mistake. 'practised' is British English.
practised
athletics. The figures for football
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participation
remained
relatively
stable
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over
the following 6 years. By contrast,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
participation
in swimming almost doubled, to
nearly
4
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million
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, and there was a near fivefold increase in the number of
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children
doing athletics.
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IELTS academic The line graph show the expenditure

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
149 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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