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the lien graph about male and fame rates

the lien graph about male and fame rates 5bkPB
The graph provides information about the numbers of male and female members in the fitness club over a third-year period. The vertical axis represents the share of membership in units of 1000. The horizontal axis illustrates the period between 1890 and 2010. Overall, the graph indicates that there was a greater fluctuation in gym membership among men than women. At the beginning of 1980, the share of men proportion stood at 2000 members and rose significantly to about 4000 in 1985. After a sudden surge in 1985, it continued to decline dramatically for another two years. The number of male members has decreased by approximately 2500 thousand in 1995. However, there has been an enormous increase since 2000. Then, the figure stood sharply and had reached around 5000 of the man population in 2005, before plummeted to its lowest point at the end of the surveyed period. In contrast, the trend for women’s proportion varied gradually over the period. According to the data, the figures of females were raised by roughly from 1000 to 2000 members in 1985. Compared with the year 1995, the numbers of female rates had a rise by approximately 2900 members which remained steadily in 2005. In conclusion, although when male rates were at their lowest, female rates were higher. This was particularly true between 1993 and 1997 when just about three thousand women held gym membership.
The graph provides information about the numbers of male and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
in the fitness club over a third-year period. The vertical axis represents the share of membership in units of 1000.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
The
horizontal axis illustrates the period between 1890 and 2010.

Overall
, the graph indicates that there was a greater fluctuation in gym membership among
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
than women.

At the beginning of 1980, the share of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
proportion stood at 2000
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
and rose
significantly
to about 4000 in 1985.

After a sudden surge in 1985, it continued to decline
dramatically
for another two years. The number of male
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
has decreased by approximately 2500 thousand in 1995.

However
, there has been an enormous increase since 2000. Then, the figure stood
sharply
and had reached around 5000 of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
population in 2005,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
plummeted to its lowest point at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of the surveyed period.

In contrast
, the trend for women’s proportion varied
gradually
over the period. According to the data, the figures of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
were raised
by roughly from 1000 to 2000
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
in 1985. Compared with the year 1995, the numbers of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
rates had a rise by approximately 2900
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
which remained
steadily
in 2005.

In conclusion
, although when male rates were at their lowest,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
rates were higher. This was
particularly
true between 1993 and 1997 when
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
about three thousand women held gym membership.

IELTS academic the lien graph about male and fame rates

Academic
  American English
7 paragraphs
231 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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