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the activities that decided by the bachelor and master students in the United Kingdom in 2008 after they had graduated.

the activities that decided by the bachelor and master students in the United Kingdom in 2008 after they had graduated. pJeym
The statistical information represented below display the activities that decided by the bachelor and master students in the United Kingdom in 2008 after they had graduated. Mostly, both of these students were taking a further study as their future plan. In contrast, they were equally had a little interest to join the voluntary work. Specifically, based on the first bar chart, the total amount of those who chose to continue their study is reaching 29, 665 persons. Furthermore, there were 17, 735 graduated students who were likely to get a part-time job. These considerable amount, however, could not be found in the total amount of those who decided to work as a volunteer which only reaching 3, 500 persons. As well as the bachelor graduates, the postgraduate alumni were predominantly tend to have a further study, which the total number was reaching 2, 725 persons. In the second rank, part-time work was chose by 2, 535 master students as their next activity after they had graduated. Meanwhile, there were only 345 persons who were deciding to work as a volunteer.
The statistical information represented below display the activities that decided by the bachelor and master
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in the United Kingdom in 2008 after they had graduated.

Mostly
, both of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
were taking a
further
study as their future plan.
In contrast
, they were
equally
had a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
interest to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
the voluntary work.

Specifically
, based on the
first
bar chart, the total amount of those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
chose to continue their study is reaching 29, 665 persons.
Furthermore
, there were 17, 735 graduated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
were likely to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a part-time job. These considerable amount,
however
, could not
be found
in the total amount of those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
decided to work as a volunteer which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
reaching 3, 500 persons.

As well
as the bachelor graduates, the postgraduate alumni were
predominantly
Consider using a past participle here: "tended".
tend
to have a
further
study, which the total number was reaching 2, 725 persons. In the second rank, part-time work was
Consider using a past participle here: "chosen".
chose
by 2, 535 master
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
as their
next
activity after they had graduated. Meanwhile, there were
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
345 persons
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
were deciding to work as a volunteer.
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IELTS academic the activities that decided by the bachelor and master students in the United Kingdom in 2008 after they had graduated.

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
180 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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