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the Jopbless rates in United states

the Jopbless rates in United states EwVjR
The line graph gives the information about the percentage of jobless rates in the United States and Japan between March 1993 to March 1999. To begin with USA, in March 1993, 7 percentage of people were jobless, they had not job that time. After one year the rate of unemployment was decreased; the percentage was 6. In 1995 and 1996, there was same percentage. (5. 5) in this stage, the rate was fluctuate. March 1997, the rate of unemployment was between 5 and 5. 5. after one year, there was the first time, when rate was under five. Talk about Japan, in March 1993 only 2. 5 % of people were without job. It is a very good percentage for Japan. But in 1995, the percentage was little increased ( 3. 5). Between the year 1998 in 1999 the percentage was highest (5). It can be concluded that, the USA maintained the unemployment rate better than Japan. And In US 7 % was the highest rate for unemployment and 5 % was lowest; furthermore, in Japan 5 percentage was highest rate for unemployment, also 2. 5 % was the lowest.
The line graph gives the information about the
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percentage
of jobless
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rates
in the United States and
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Japan
between March 1993 to March 1999. To
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begin
A determiner is probably missing here: "with the USA".
with USA
, in March 1993, 7
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percentage
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
were jobless, they had not
Possible agreement error -- use past participle here: "jobbed".
job
that time. After one year the
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rate
of
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unemployment
was decreased
; the
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percentage
was 6. In 1995 and 1996, there was same
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percentage
. (5. 5) in this stage, the
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rate
was
Consider using a past participle here: "fluctuated".
fluctuate
. March 1997, the
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rate
of
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unemployment
was between 5 and 5. 5. after one year, there was the
first
time, when
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rate
was under five. Talk about
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Japan
, in March 1993
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
2. 5 % of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
were without job. It is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
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percentage
for
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Japan
.
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But
in 1995, the
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percentage
was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
increased
Don't put a space after the opening parenthesis
(
3. 5). Between the year 1998 in 1999 the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
was highest (5). It can
be concluded
that, the USA maintained the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
unemployment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
better than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Japan
. And In US 7 % was the highest
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rate
for
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unemployment
and 5 % was lowest;
furthermore
, in
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Japan
5
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
was
A determiner is probably missing here: "the highest".
highest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
unemployment
,
also
2. 5 % was the lowest.
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IELTS academic the Jopbless rates in United states

Academic
  American English
1 paragraphs
190 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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