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The information about the distribution of adults of different age groups in the UK who used the Internet services frequently over the period of four years is depicted by the vertical bar graph

The information about the distribution of adults of different age groups in the UK who used the Internet services frequently over the period of four years is depicted by the vertical bar graph 0poE1
The information about the distribution of adults of different age groups in the UK who used the Internet services frequently over the period of four years is depicted by the vertical bar graph. The data has been calibrated in percentage. Overall, it can be witnessed from the graph is that the highest amount of internet users were youngsters whereas the older people were using least amount of Internet services. The younger generation of age group 16 to 24 was engaged in frequent use of internet and it was highest used in the year 2005 which constitutes for 100%. In year 2006 it accounted for 85% which again means high number of internet users while in the year 2003 and 2004 the amount of people remains same, and it accounted for 80%. Looking specifically at 25-44 and 45-54 age groups the numbers are quite same. In both age groups the highest number of internet users were in the year 2006 and it accounted for 80% for both of them. Moving towards 55 to 64 category there were very less internet users in all the years, but it was highest in the year 2006 and it comprised to 45%. The most important thing which we can note from this graph is that in the category of people over 65 there were no internet users in the year 2003 and in 2004 they started using internet but they were very less, and this category was lowest among all but it has increased slightly from 2004 to 2006 by 5%.
The information about the distribution of adults of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
groups
in the UK who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
the Internet services
frequently
over the period of four years
is depicted
by the vertical bar graph. The data has
been calibrated
in percentage.

Overall
, it can
be witnessed
from the graph is that the highest amount of internet
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
users
were youngsters whereas the older
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
were using
A determiner is probably missing here: "the least".
least
amount of Internet services.

The younger generation of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
16 to 24
was engaged
in frequent
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of internet and it was
A determiner is probably missing here: "the highest".
highest
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
2005 which constitutes for 100%. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
2006 it accounted for 85% which again means high number of internet
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
users
while in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
2003 and 2004 the amount of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
remains same, and it accounted for 80%.

Looking
specifically
at 25-44 and 45-54
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
groups
the numbers are quite same. In both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
groups
the highest number of internet
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
users
were in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
2006 and it accounted for 80% for both of them. Moving towards 55 to 64
Possible agreement error. The noun 'category' seems to be countable, so consider using: "categories".
category
there were
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
less internet
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
users
in all the years,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it was highest in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
2006 and it comprised to 45%. The most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
thing which we can note from this graph is that in the category of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
over 65 there were no internet
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
users
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
2003 and in 2004 they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
using internet
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they were
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
less, and this category was lowest among all
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it has increased
slightly
from 2004 to 2006 by 5%.
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IELTS academic The information about the distribution of adults of different age groups in the UK who used the Internet services frequently over the period of four years is depicted by the vertical bar graph

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
256 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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