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The graphs below show the average exam marks achieved by students at English Japanese and Italian language courses in university the passing marks are the 50 and maximum marks are the hundred

The graphs below show the average exam marks achieved by students at English Japanese and Italian language courses in university the passing marks are the 50 and maximum marks are the hundred mb9bN
The bar graph and pie chart illustrate the performance of pupils in three different language courses in exams, which was studied at university. The data has been calibrated in numbers and percentage respectively. To begin with, the performance of Italian learners increased sharply, which was comprise to approximately 88 numbers in the 4 semester. However the presentation of Japanese students remained stable in 2 and 3 semesters, it accounting for more than three fifth, than in 4th semester the performance was decreased slowly, it stood at around 61 marks. There had been a gradual incline seen in the performance of English propels, it comprised to 95 marks in the first two semester. Moving towards, the pie chart merely 14% students passed the first class in the final results and 9% student failed in the finals results nevertheless the percentage of lower second learner's was considerably higher than higher second's learner. However a fifth of students passed in the third class. Overall it can be seen that the significant marks achieved by pupils at Italian language, while under one in ten students failed in the terminal exams.
The bar graph and pie chart illustrate the
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performance
of pupils in three
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different
language courses in exams, which
was studied
at university. The data has
been calibrated
in numbers and percentage
respectively
.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
performance
of Italian learners increased
sharply
, which was
Consider using a past participle here: "comprised".
comprise
to approximately 88 numbers in the 4 semester.
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However
the presentation of Japanese
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students
remained stable in 2 and 3 semesters,
Did you mean "it's accounting", "it is accounting", or "it was accounting"?
it accounting
for more than three fifth, than in 4th semester the
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performance
was decreased
slowly
, it stood at around 61 marks. There had been a gradual incline
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
performance
of English propels, it comprised to 95 marks in the
first
two
Possible agreement error. The noun 'semester' seems to be countable, so consider using: "semesters".
semester
.

Moving towards, the pie chart
merely
14%
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students
passed the
first
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class
in the final results and 9%
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student
failed in the finals results
nevertheless
the percentage of lower second learner's was
considerably
higher than higher second's learner.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
a fifth of
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students
passed in the third
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
.
Overall
it can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that the significant marks achieved by pupils at Italian language, while under one in ten
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
failed in the terminal exams.
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IELTS academic The graphs below show the average exam marks achieved by students at English Japanese and Italian language courses in university the passing marks are the 50 and maximum marks are the hundred

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
186 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
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Grammatical Range: 6.0
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Task Achievement: 5.0
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    Present relevant ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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