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The graph presents information about the percentage of people employed in the United Kingdom, Italy and the G7 average. v.2

The graph presents information about the percentage of people employed in the United Kingdom, Italy and the G7 average. v. 2
The bar graph shows the proportion of employed individuals divided into three age groups in the United Kingdom, Italy and the G7 average. Overall, it is obvious that most people employed from three different age brackets are British while Italians are the minority. The Britain and G7 average figures are roughly similar. The percentage of 18-25 years old employees from United Kingdom is just above 50% compared with G7 average at around 43%. Interestingly, they both reached their highest percentage in 25-54 years old employees, just about 82% and nearly 80% respectively. In 55-64 years old, employees from United Kingdom and G7 average are almost identical at approximately 62%. In contrast, there is a remarkable gap in the percentage of Italian workers in all age groups. Italy employed an insignificant proportion in youngest age group at around 15% while just above 50% in the oldest group. In 25-54 years of age, there is a large proportion of Italians at nearly 70%, though the lowest among employees of the same age bracket.
The bar graph
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shows
the proportion of employed individuals divided into three
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age
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groups
in the United Kingdom, Italy and the G7
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average
.
Overall
, it is obvious that most
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
employed from three
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different
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age
brackets are British while Italians are the minority.

The Britain and G7
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average
figures are roughly similar. The percentage of 18-25 years
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old
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employees
A determiner is probably missing here: "from the United Kingdom".
from United Kingdom
is
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just
above 50% compared with G7
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average
at around 43%.
Interestingly
, they both reached their highest percentage in 25-54 years
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old
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employees
,
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just
about 82% and
nearly
80%
respectively
. In 55-64 years
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old
,
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employees
A determiner is probably missing here: "from the United Kingdom".
from United Kingdom
and G7
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average
are almost identical at approximately 62%.

In contrast
, there is a remarkable gap in the percentage of Italian workers in all
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age
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groups
. Italy employed an insignificant proportion in
A determiner is probably missing here: "the youngest".
youngest
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age
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group
at around 15% while
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just
above 50% in the oldest
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group
. In 25-54 years of
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age
, there is a large proportion of Italians at
nearly
70%, though the lowest among
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employees
of the same
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age
bracket.
2Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS academic The graph presents information about the percentage of people employed in the United Kingdom, Italy and the G7 average. v. 2

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
171 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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