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The graph illustrates the proportion of people in various age groups who lived in Australia and joined physical exercises regularly in 2010.

The graph illustrates the proportion of people in various age groups who lived in Australia and joined physical exercises regularly in 2010. GJ9Lw
Overall, it can be seen that the highest percentage of doing sports belonged women. Furthermore, younger men were more active than older men, while younger women were less active than older women. The percentage of 15 to 24 and 65+ years old groups of women who did sports had almost the same rate (about %47. 7 and %47. 1 respectively). The women whose ages were between 45 and 54 accounted for the highest proportion with %53. 3. In terms of the figure of men who did physical activity regularly in 2010, the rates were close to each other among the age groups 25 to 34, 35 to 44 and 45 to 54 (about %42. 2, %39. 5, and %43. 2 sequentially). The group of men who were in the 15 to 24 years age group accounted for the highest proportion of doing sports regularly with %52. 8.
Overall
, it can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that the highest percentage of doing sports belonged
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women
.
Furthermore
, younger
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men
were more active than older
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men
, while younger
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women
were less active than older women.

The percentage of 15 to 24 and 65+ years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
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groups
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
who did sports had almost the same rate (about %47. 7 and %47. 1
respectively
). The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
whose ages were between 45 and 54 accounted for the highest proportion with %53. 3.

In terms of the figure of
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men
who did physical activity
regularly
in 2010, the rates were close to each other among the age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
groups
25 to 34, 35 to 44 and 45 to 54 (about %42. 2, %39. 5, and %43. 2
sequentially
). The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
who were in the 15 to 24 years age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
accounted for the highest proportion of doing sports
regularly
with %52. 8.

IELTS academic The graph illustrates the proportion of people in various age groups who lived in Australia and joined physical exercises regularly in 2010.

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
147 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
4.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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