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The graph compares the rate of smoking in men and women in Someland

The graph compares the rate of smoking in men and women in Someland ljaoJ
The given double line graph shows the correlation between men's and women's cases per 1000 people of smoking in the territory of China from 1960 to 2000. Graph starts in the late fifties, when the total number of smoking men is roughly equal to seven numbers of women. Throughout the following decade, this ratio almost halves, mostly due to sharp augment in the number of smoking women, while there is a marginal plunge in the men’s. Five more years passed and both categories is continuing to save their upward and downward trends. Within the next 5 years, there is the steepest rise in the women’s line, after which the number of tobacco addicted women is equivalent to 320 persons per thousand, whereas  men’s line continues to go down. After hitting a local maximum, the pink line starts moderately dip, so does the blue one. Throughout the given period, twice as many women began to smoke, whilst this figure among the man group halved. Out of comparison, it is obvious that there was no correlation from 1960 up until 1973. Between 1973 and 2003 strong negative correlation can be seen the number of smoking men and women (per 1, 000 people)
The
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given
double
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line
graph
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shows
the correlation between
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
's and women's cases per 1000
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
of
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smoking
in the territory of China from 1960 to 2000.

Graph
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starts
in the late fifties, when the total
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number
of
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smoking
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men
is roughly equal to seven
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numbers
of
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women
. Throughout the following decade, this ratio almost halves,
mostly
due to sharp augment in the
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number
of
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smoking
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women
, while there is a marginal plunge in the
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men’s
. Five more years passed and both categories is continuing to save their upward and downward trends. Within the
next
5 years, there is the steepest rise in the
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women’s
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line
, after which the
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number
of tobacco addicted
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women
is equivalent to 320 persons per thousand, whereas
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
line
continues to go down. After hitting a local maximum, the pink
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line
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
starts
moderately
dip,
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so
does the blue one. Throughout the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
period, twice as
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many
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women
began to smoke, whilst this figure among the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
group halved.

Out of comparison, it is obvious that there was no correlation from 1960 up until 1973. Between 1973 and 2003 strong
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
correlation can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen


the
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number
of
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smoking
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men
and
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women
(per 1, 000
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
)
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IELTS academic The graph compares the rate of smoking in men and women in Someland

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
197 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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