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the graph below shows the proportion of the population aged 65 over between 1940 and 2040 in three different countries. v.1

the graph below shows the proportion of the population aged 65 over between 1940 and 2040 in three different countries. v. 1
The illustration indicates percentage of old people aged 65 and over in all citizen in the past, present and for prediction future – from 1940-2040 in Japan, Sweden and the U. S. A. A glance at the feature provided reveals the number of individuals aged 65 and over is generally rising gradually but more drastically from 2030s. The aged populace would be rocket up to a quarter in all given countries. However, a various changes was took in the periods, in 2040 the percentages of the older people in citizens might be same. As regard of Sweden and the U. S. A, in the 1940 the elder people had occupied around 9% and 7% respectively in all populations, merely 2% difference. But, by the 1990s Sweden’s the senile residents had overtook the U. S. A’s residents, then in 2010s distinction between had become larger – approximately 16%. However, the calculation presumed from the 2025s the countries elder citizens difference between them would narrow down, and the growth of older people would also steadily rise to about 25% in the both nations until 2040. On the other hand, the elders in Japan was only 5% of citizens in 1940. 20 years later the residents had decreased to marginally 3% then continued until 1990s. In next 30 years the rise of the senile is showing uniform increment, maybe standing at 10%. Surprisingly, the number of the elder people would be jumping from 10-27% in only 10 years period time which means 2040.
The illustration indicates percentage of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
aged 65 and over in all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizen
in the past, present and for prediction future
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
–
from 1940-2040 in Japan, Sweden and the U. S. A.

A glance at the feature provided reveals the number of individuals aged 65 and over is
generally
rising
gradually
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
more
drastically
from 2030s. The aged populace would be rocket up to a quarter in all
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
countries.
However
, a various
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "change"?
changes
was
Consider using a past participle here: "taken".
took
in the periods, in 2040 the percentages of the older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizens
might be same.

As regard of Sweden and the U. S. A, in the 1940 the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elder
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
had occupied around 9% and 7%
respectively
in all populations,
merely
2% difference.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, by the 1990s Sweden’s the senile residents had
Use past participle here: "overtaken".
overtook
the U. S. A’s residents, then
The article is probably missing here: "in the 2010s".
in 2010s
distinction between had become larger
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
–
approximately 16%.
However
, the calculation presumed from the 2025s the countries
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elder
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizens
difference between them would narrow down, and the growth of older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would
also
steadily
rise to about 25% in the both nations until 2040.

On the other hand
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elders
in Japan was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
5% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizens
in 1940. 20 years later the residents had decreased to
marginally
3% then continued until 1990s. In
next
30 years the rise of the senile is showing uniform increment, maybe standing at 10%.
Surprisingly
, the number of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elder
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would be jumping from 10-27% in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
10 years period time which means 2040.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS academic the graph below shows the proportion of the population aged 65 over between 1940 and 2040 in three different countries. v. 1

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
250 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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