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The graph below shows the percentage of people in different age groups in one city who attended music concerts between 2010 and 2015 v.2

The graph below shows the percentage of people in different age groups in one city who attended music concerts between 2010 and 2015 v. 2
The line chart shows information about the amount of people in one city taking part in live performances, which are divided into five age groups from 2010 to 2015. Overall, the proportion of the youngest age group attended music concerts surpassed the figure for the 45-54 age group was the highest, while that of the elderly people was lowset. In 2010, starting at 40% of people who attended music concerts were aged 16-24 and 25-44, while the rate of people belonging to the 45-54 age group was higher, at 52%. After that, the figure for the youngest age group exceeded that of the 45-54 age group in 2011, growing slowly to 70% in 2015. In addition, the proportion of people who were aged 25-44 slightly decreased by 10%, from 40% in 2010 to 30% in 2012 before peaking at around 49% at the end of the period. The figure for the oldest group saw a steady increase of 12%, from 10% to 22% between 2010 and in 2011, continued to decline dramatically to 10% in 2012, and peaking at 22% again in 2015. Whereas, the rate of people aged 55-64 steadily fell by aproximately 3%, from 25% in 2010 to 22% in 2015, despite some small growths in between.
The line chart
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shows
information about the amount of
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people
in one city taking part in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
performances, which
are divided
into five
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age
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groups
from 2010 to 2015.

Overall
, the proportion of the youngest
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age
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group
attended music concerts surpassed the figure for the 45-54
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
was the highest, while that of the elderly
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people
was
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lowset
.

In 2010, starting at 40% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who attended music concerts
were aged
16-24 and 25-44, while the rate of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
belonging to the 45-54
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
was higher, at 52%. After that, the figure for the youngest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
exceeded that of the 45-54
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
in 2011, growing
slowly
to 70% in 2015.
In addition
, the proportion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
were aged
25-44
slightly
decreased by 10%, from 40% in 2010 to 30% in 2012
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
peaking at around 49% at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of the period.

The figure for the oldest
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group
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
a steady increase of 12%, from 10% to 22% between 2010 and in 2011, continued to decline
dramatically
to 10% in 2012, and peaking at 22% again in 2015. Whereas, the rate of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
aged 55-64
steadily
fell by
Possible spelling mistake found.
aproximately
3%, from 25% in 2010 to 22% in 2015, despite
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
growths in between.
2Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
19Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS academic The graph below shows the percentage of people in different age groups in one city who attended music concerts between 2010 and 2015 v. 2

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
208 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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