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The graph below shows the number of enquiries received by the tourist information office in one city over a six-month period in 2011.

The graph below shows the number of enquiries received by the tourist information office in one city over a six-month period in 2011. X01r
Many tourists has came to Indonesia. They usually know about Bali. Because Bali has an unique place. Most people know Bali from its inner beauty. Bali is one of the heaven places in Indonesia. Because Indonesia has many places that is very beautiful. Indonesia is also known as the country who has many islands, more than 10. 000 islands in Indonesia. We can visit the website in the internet about a lot of places. Especially, for the tourists who want to travel around the world. They also have to study and understand the language that they will visit another time. This graph shows us that a lot of tourists ask about the places, the facilities, how long will they stay in that place, etc. Tourist Information Office shows the graphic about the number of enquiries in 2011. Most tourists asked about the places by telephone. They wanted to hear and receive clear information about the places that they would visit. In person graphic line, the graphic shows us that the number of enquiries received by the Tourist Information Office keep increased over six month (Jan-Jun with the last result over 1800 enquiries) In January, most people asked about the places by telephone. But in the end of the six-month period, the graphic about the people who asked to the Tourist Information Office by telephone was behind the people who asked it in person. The result of six-month period of the people asked by telephone is 1600 enquiries) The last graphic is the people who asked by letter/email. I thought because in 2011, telephone had been invented by some people. The telephone was become a trendy at that time. And as the result people who asked by letter/email was under 400 enquiries.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourists
You should probably use "have", "haven".
has
Use past participle here: "come".
came
to Indonesia. They
usually
know about Bali.
“Because” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Because
Bali has
Use "a" instead of 'an' if the following word doesn't start with a vowel sound, e.g. 'a sentence', 'a university'
an
unique
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
place
. Most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
know Bali from its inner beauty. Bali is one of the heaven
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
in Indonesia.
“Because” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Because
Indonesia has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
that is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
. Indonesia is
also
known as the country
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
islands, more than 10. 000 islands in Indonesia.

We can visit the website
The usual collocation for technology is "on," not "in." It is better to say this: "on the internet".
in the internet
about
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
.
Especially
, for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourists
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
want to travel around the world. They
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
study and understand the language that they will visit another time. This graph
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
us that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourists
ask about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
, the facilities, how long will they stay in that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
place
, etc.

Tourist
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Information
Office
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
the graphic about the number of
Possible spelling mistake. 'enquiries' is British English.
enquiries
in 2011. Most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourists
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
asked
about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
telephone
. They wanted to hear and receive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
that they would visit.

In person graphic line, the graphic
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
us that the number of
Possible spelling mistake. 'enquiries' is British English.
enquiries
received by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Tourist
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Information
Office
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
increased over six
Possible agreement error. The noun 'month' seems to be countable, so consider using: "months".
month
(Jan-Jun with the last result over 1800
Possible spelling mistake. 'enquiries' is British English.
enquiries
) In January, most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
asked
about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
telephone
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of the six-month period, the graphic about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
This is a collocation error. You do not need a preposition after 'asked'. Remove it: "asked".
asked to
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Tourist
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Information
Office by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
telephone
was behind the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
asked
it in person. The result of six-month period of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
asked
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
telephone
is 1600
Possible spelling mistake. 'enquiries' is British English.
enquiries
Unpaired symbol: '(' seems to be missing
)


The last graphic is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
asked
by letter/email. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
in 2011,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
telephone
had
been invented
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
telephone
was become
a trendy at that time. And as the result
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
asked
by letter/email was under 400
Possible spelling mistake. 'enquiries' is British English.
enquiries
.

IELTS academic The graph below shows the number of enquiries received by the tourist information office in one city over a six-month period in 2011.

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
291 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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