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The graph below shows four countries of residence of overseas students in Australia. v.1

The graph below shows four countries of residence of overseas students in Australia. v. 1
A glance at the chart provided reveals the number of students who continued their study in Australia from four Asian countries over a nineteen-year period from 1982 to 2000. Overall, it is clearly seen that all Asian countries experienced a considerable increase in students number in Australia. First of all, there were three countries that started at the same level in 1982 - Hong Kong, Singapore, and Indonesia. But Indonesia and Singapore levelled off until 1987, while Hong Kong students soared to somewhere in the vicinity of 10, 000 students in 1994, and reached a peak approximately 25, 000 students in 1998 before falling again just over 20, 000 students in 2000. Furthermore, the number of Indonesia students remained stable between 1992 and 1995 at 10, 000 students before reaching a peak of almost 20, 000 students in 1997 and decreased again about 15, 000 students in 1998. Meanwhile, there was a noticeable growth for Singapore students about 20, 000 in 2000. In contrast, Malaysian students number experienced a slow rise from 1982 to 1994, then reaching a peak of approximately 18, 000 students in 1997.
A glance at the chart provided reveals the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
who continued their study in Australia from four Asian countries over a nineteen-year period from 1982 to 2000.
Overall
, it is
clearly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that all Asian countries experienced a considerable increase in
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students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
in Australia.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, there were three countries that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
at the same level in 1982
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
Hong Kong, Singapore, and Indonesia.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
Indonesia and Singapore levelled off until 1987, while Hong Kong
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students
soared to somewhere in the vicinity of 10, 000
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students
in 1994, and reached a peak approximately 25, 000
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students
in 1998
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
falling again
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
over 20, 000
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students
in 2000.

Furthermore
, the
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number
of Indonesia
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students
remained stable between 1992 and 1995 at 10, 000
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students
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
reaching a peak of almost 20, 000
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students
in 1997 and decreased again about 15, 000
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students
in 1998. Meanwhile, there was a noticeable growth for Singapore
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students
about 20, 000 in 2000.
In contrast
, Malaysian
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
experienced a slow rise from 1982 to 1994, then reaching a peak of approximately 18, 000
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in 1997.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS academic The graph below shows four countries of residence of overseas students in Australia. v. 1

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
186 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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