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the global sales in billions of dollars of different types of digital games between 2000 and 2006 v.2

the global sales in billions of dollars of different types of digital games between 2000 and 2006 v. 2
the given chart gives information about the worldwide profits in billions of dollars of four detached sort of video games from 2000 to 2006. From the statistics in the graph, It can be concluded that three out of four global turnover of digital games increased gradually over the period of six years. Global sales of Handheld played a important role in the total profits of video games. In 2000, there was no sales came from Mobile games and Online games, while the global sales of console games stood at around $6 billion, $5 billion lower than handheld games. Over the next three years, more and more people played mobile, online and handheld games, with a growth to $15 billion of worldwide sales of handheld games and an increase by about $3 billion of both mobile and online games. By contrast, this figures for console games dropped to under $5 billion at the same time. In the final years of period, the old trends did not vary. the global profits of Mobile, Online and handheld games grew to around 17, 9 and 7 billion dollars respectively in 2003, whereas console games become the least commonly played, with the global sales of this one fell to just under $3 billion.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
the
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given
chart gives information about the worldwide profits in
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billions
of dollars of four detached
Possible agreement error. The noun 'sort' seems to be countable, so consider using: "sorts".
sort
of video
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games
from 2000 to 2006.

From the statistics in the graph, It can
be concluded
that three out of four
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global
turnover of digital
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games
increased
gradually
over the period of six years.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Global
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
of Handheld played
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in the total profits of video games.

In 2000, there was no
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sales
came from Mobile
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games
and
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Online
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games
, while the
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global
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sales
of console
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games
stood at around $6
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billion
, $5
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billion
lower than handheld games.

Over the
next
three years, more and more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
played mobile,
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online
and handheld
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games
, with a growth to $15
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billion
of worldwide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
of handheld
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games
and an increase by about $3
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billion
of both mobile and
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online
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games
. By contrast, this figures for console
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games
dropped to under $5
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billion
at the same time.

In the final years of period, the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
trends did not vary.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
global
profits of Mobile,
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Online
and handheld
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
grew to around 17, 9 and 7
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billion
dollars
respectively
in 2003, whereas console
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games
become the least
commonly
played, with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
global
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
of this one fell to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
under $3
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
billion
.
1Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
33Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS academic the global sales in billions of dollars of different types of digital games between 2000 and 2006 v. 2

Academic
  American English
5 paragraphs
208 words
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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