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The given two pie charts represent the online shopping sales of four different retail sector s in New Zealand in two years 2003 and 2013.

The given two pie charts represent the online shopping sales of four different retail sector s in New Zealand in two years 2003 and 2013. YyPb5
The given two pie charts represent the online shopping sales of four different retail sector s in New Zealand in two years 2003 and 2013. Overall, the travel occupied the highest percentage of sales in 2003 while films and music replaced it with significant proportion in 2013. In 2003, the travel hold the largest percentage of retail sales accounting more than one third percentage i. e 36 %. Similarly, the clothes ranked second position after travel interns of online sales comprising. Slightly less than quarter (24%) in 2003. However, only 19% was contribute d by books becoming least proportion in that particular year. While in 2013, one third of percentage was occupied by film and music sector, highest percentage of online sales replacing travel. However, the proportion of travel sector decrease in comparison to previous year accounting 29%. Moreover, the sales of books rose up by 3% becoming 22 % in 2013. But the internet sales of clothes greatly declined to 16% becoming least sales in 2013.
The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
two pie charts represent the online shopping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
of four
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
retail
Possible agreement error. The noun 'sector' seems to be countable, so consider using: "sectors".
sector
s in New Zealand in two years 2003 and 2013.

Overall
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travel
occupied the highest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
in 2003 while films and music replaced it with significant proportion in 2013.

In 2003, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travel
hold the largest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
of retail
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
accounting more than one third
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
i. e 36 %.
Similarly
, the clothes ranked second position after
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travel
interns of online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
comprising.
Slightly
less than quarter (24%) in 2003.
However
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
19% was
Consider using a past participle here: "contributed".
contribute
d by books becoming least proportion in that particular year.

While in 2013, one third of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
was occupied
by film and music sector,
A determiner is probably missing here: "the highest".
highest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
of online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
replacing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travel
.
However
, the proportion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travel
sector decrease
in comparison
to previous year accounting 29%.
Moreover
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
of books rose up by 3% becoming 22 % in 2013.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
the internet
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
of clothes
greatly
declined to 16% becoming least
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
in 2013.

IELTS academic The given two pie charts represent the online shopping sales of four different retail sector s in New Zealand in two years 2003 and 2013.

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
167 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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