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the given graph shows the weight of people of charistown in 1955 and 2015.

the given graph shows the weight of people of charistown in 1955 and 2015. VYmEK
The bar graph depicts the comparison of weight calculation of citizens of charistown the year 1955 and 2015. Overall, people from the age 20 to 29 were mostly underweight or ideal during both the years. Whereas, the ratio of obese people increased with the time. In 1955, approximately 70% people of 20-29 years old had ideal weight while the 30% people of same age were under weight. Furthermore, the obese and overweight people were increased according to age in 2015, this percentile was less than 10% for 20-29 years old people, 40% for 30-39 years, 60 years for each of 40-49 years and 50-59 years. On further scrutiny, the ratio of fat persons and obese people was highest for the people of over 60-69 years old. In 1955, the ratio of ideal weight citizens was equal to the sum of other three categories of weight of each group of age which was almost more than the 60%.
The bar graph depicts the comparison of
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weight
calculation of citizens of
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charistown
the
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year
1955 and 2015.

Overall
,
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people
from the
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age
20 to 29 were
mostly
underweight or ideal during both the years.
“Whereas” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Whereas
, the ratio of obese
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people
increased with the time.

In 1955, approximately 70%
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people
of 20-29 years
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old
had ideal
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weight
while the 30%
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people
of same
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age
were under
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weight
.
Furthermore
, the obese and overweight
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people
were increased
according to
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age
in 2015, this percentile was less than 10% for 20-29 years
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old
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people
, 40% for 30-39 years, 60 years for each of 40-49 years and 50-59 years.

On
further
scrutiny, the ratio of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
persons and obese
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people
was highest for the
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people
of over 60-69 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
. In 1955, the ratio of ideal
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weight
citizens was equal to the sum of other three categories of
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weight
of each group of
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age
which was almost more than the 60%.

IELTS academic the given graph shows the weight of people of charistown in 1955 and 2015.

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
157 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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