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Customer Growth Rate of Mobile Telephone Operators in the UK

Customer Growth Rate of Mobile Telephone Operators in the UK 7LYpy
The graph illustrates the consumer growth rate of four telephone operators namely T-mobile, O2, Vodafone, and Virgin in the UK from May to October in 2007. Overall, the mobile phone operator O2 had maximum consumers of around 4. 7% in October 2007 as opposed to Virgin, which had the least customer proportion of about 2. 2% in the same month. Despite having the least consumer proportion in October, Virgin telecom operator was the only operator which had a beneficial rate of growth over the mentioned period. T-mobile telephone operator started with the highest customers of about 5. 5% in May which dropped and reached close to 5% in next month. The customer rate then grew a tiny in the month of July on the contrary then rate fell drastically and reached its lowest of about 3. 4% in October that year. On the other hand, O2 had exactly 5% users in May which kept declining till September, after which there was a little spike and consumer rate reached around 4. 8% in October. Vodafone telecom operator started merely below 5% in May month after which the rate pretty much remained stable before falling from July and reaching a low of about 4. 1% in October. Whereas, Virgin telephone operator started with a minimum proportion of customers of about 0. 9% in May. The consumer rate then increased proportionately till August after which the rate fell in September. However, it saw a rise the supremely next month when the consumer rate reached about 2. 2%.
The graph illustrates the
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consumer
growth
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rate
of four telephone
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operators
namely
T-mobile, O2, Vodafone, and Virgin in the UK from May to October in 2007.

Overall
, the mobile phone
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operator
O2 had maximum
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consumers
of around 4. 7% in October 2007 as opposed to Virgin, which had the least
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customer
proportion of about 2. 2% in the same
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month
. Despite having the least
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consumer
proportion in October, Virgin telecom
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operator
was the
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only
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operator
which had a beneficial
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rate
of growth over the mentioned period.

T-mobile telephone
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operator
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
with the highest
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customers
of about 5. 5% in May which dropped and
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reached
close to 5% in
next
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month
. The
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customer
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rate
then grew a tiny in the
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month
of July
on the contrary
then
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rate
fell
drastically
and
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reached
its lowest of about 3. 4% in October that year.
On the other hand
, O2 had exactly 5% users in May which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
kept
declining till September, after which there was a
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little
spike and
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consumer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
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reached
around 4. 8% in October.

Vodafone telecom
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operator
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
merely
below 5% in May
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month
after which the
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rate
pretty much remained stable
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before
falling from July and reaching a low of about 4. 1% in October.
“Whereas” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Whereas
, Virgin telephone
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operator
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
with a minimum proportion of
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customers
of about 0. 9% in May. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
consumer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
then increased
proportionately
till August after which the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
fell in September.
However
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
a rise the
supremely
next
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month
when the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
consumer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reached
about 2. 2%.
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IELTS academic Customer Growth Rate of Mobile Telephone Operators in the UK

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
254 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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