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the garph compares employment rates in three sectores in the UK 2000-2010

the garph compares employment rates in three sectores in the UK 2000-2010 xxl99
The graph shows information about how many people were employed in three sectors, in the UK, 2000-2010. Overall, what stands from the graph is that there were upward trends in both the public sector and self-employed. While the number of people who were employed in the private sector sustained a significant decrease. If we look at the self-employed, the rate started at 19 in 2000 and then fluctuated 8 years and levelled off in two last years of this period at 30 in 2010. With respect to the public sector levelled off in 2 first of this period, after which it went up gradually and in 2006 recovered as picked in 2010. As regards the private sector as it was as picked in 2000, it went up in the opposite direction and the figure suffered a remarkable fall in these 10 years.
The graph
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
information about how
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many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
were employed
in three
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sectors
, in the UK, 2000-2010.

Overall
, what stands from the graph is that there were upward trends in both the public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
and self-employed.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
the number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who
were employed
in the private
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
sustained a significant decrease.

If we look at the self-employed, the rate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
at 19 in 2000 and then fluctuated 8 years and levelled off in two last years of this period at 30 in 2010. With respect to the public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
levelled off in 2
first
of this period, after which it went up
gradually
and in 2006 recovered as picked in 2010. As regards the private
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
as it was as picked in 2000, it went up in the opposite direction and the figure suffered a remarkable fall in these 10 years.
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IELTS academic the garph compares employment rates in three sectores in the UK 2000-2010

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
142 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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