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The first chart below shows how energy is used in an average Australian household. The second chart shows the percentage of greenhouse gas emissions which result from this energy use. v.3

The first chart below shows how energy is used in an average Australian household. The second chart shows the percentage of greenhouse gas emissions which result from this energy use. v. 3
The first pie chart compares the power consumptions in a typical Australian house whereas the second one presents data on the percentages of greenhouse effects of these power-consuming equipment. As a general trend, the more energy a household appliance use, the more greenhouse gas it emits. As can be seen,   water heating, keeping the house warm or cool consume almost half of the energy required in an average Australian family. Cooking, standby and lighting all together utilise around 20% power while refrigerators alone need 12% electricity. All other appliances consume the rest one-quarter energy share. Interesingly, there is a correlation between the percentage of energy a particular device requires to run and the percentage of greenhouse gas this device produces with the exception of heating and cooling device. Heating water, warming and cooling the rooms attribute to more than half of the total greenhouse gas emission. Cooking, stand by and lighting combinedly contribute to 14% gas production which is almost same as the amount produced by other appliances in a house. In summary, heating and cooling devices emit the highest percentages of greenhouse gas though they consume less power than water heaters. Other devices contribute to emit dangerous gases based on the percentages of energy they require to function.
The
first
pie chart compares the power
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consumptions
in a typical Australian
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
whereas the second one presents data on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentages
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
greenhouse
effects of these power-consuming equipment. As a general trend, the more
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energy
a household appliance
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
, the more
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greenhouse
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gas
it emits.

As can be
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seen
,
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
water
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
heating
, keeping the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
warm or cool consume almost half of the
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energy
required in an average Australian family. Cooking, standby and lighting all together
Possible spelling mistake. 'utilise' is British English.
utilise
around 20% power while refrigerators alone need 12% electricity. All other appliances consume the rest one-quarter
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energy
share.

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Interesingly
, there is a correlation between the
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percentage
of
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energy
a particular
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device
requires
Did you mean "running"? Or maybe you should add a pronoun? In active voice, 'require' + 'to' takes an object, usually a pronoun.
to run
and the
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percentage
of
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greenhouse
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gas
this
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device
produces
Consider using "except" or "except for"
with the exception of
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heating
and cooling
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device
.
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Heating
water, warming and cooling the rooms attribute to more than half of the total
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greenhouse
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gas
emission. Cooking, stand by and lighting
Possible spelling mistake found.
combinedly
contribute to 14%
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gas
production which is almost same as the amount produced by other appliances in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
.

In summary,
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heating
and cooling
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devices
emit the highest
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percentages
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
greenhouse
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gas
though they consume less power than water heaters. Other
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devices
contribute to emit
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
gases based on the
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percentages
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
energy
they require
Did you mean "functioning"? Or maybe you should add a pronoun? In active voice, 'require' + 'to' takes an object, usually a pronoun.
to function
.
1Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
29Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
It is astonishing how much enjoyment one can get out of a language that one understands imperfectly.
Basil Lanneau Gildersleeve

IELTS academic The first chart below shows how energy is used in an average Australian household. The second chart shows the percentage of greenhouse gas emissions which result from this energy use. v. 3

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
210 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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