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The first chart below show how energy is used in an average Australian household. The second chart shows the greenhouse emissions which result from this energy use. Summarise the information by selection and reporting the main features, and make comparison v.2

The first chart below show how energy is used in an average Australian household. The second chart shows the greenhouse emissions which result from this energy use.
The first pie graph illustrates the information about the utilisation of energy in an average Australian family, while the discharge of greenhouse gas from the energy use is shown in the second pie chart. Overall, Australian spend most energy on heating, and the largest amount of greenhouse exhausts is generated by water heating. First of all, Australia people primarily spend energy on heating and water heating, which account for 42% and 30% respectively. Moreover, the energy cost on other appliances constitutes 15%, more than doubled that in refrigeration 7%. Finally, the least energy is consumed by lighting and cooling with just making up 4% and 2% in total. On the other hand, unlike the usage of energy, water heating overtakes heating, becoming the biggest producer by emitting about one-third of greenhouse gas in total. The second place is taken by other appliances, accounting for 28%, which is almost doubled of that in heating (15%) and refrigeration (14%). Furthermore, lighting and cooling remain the minimal proportion of 8% and 3% respectively.
The
first
pie graph illustrates the information about the
Possible spelling mistake. 'utilisation' is British English.
utilisation
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
energy
in an average Australian family, while the discharge of greenhouse gas from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
energy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
is shown
in the second pie chart.
Overall
, Australian spend most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
energy
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
heating
, and the largest amount of greenhouse exhausts
is generated
by water heating.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, Australia
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
primarily
spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
energy
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
heating
and water
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
heating
, which account for 42% and 30%
respectively
.
Moreover
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
energy
cost on other appliances constitutes 15%, more than doubled that in refrigeration 7%.
Finally
, the least
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
energy
is consumed
by lighting and cooling with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
making up 4% and 2% in total.

On the other hand
, unlike the usage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
energy
, water
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
heating
overtakes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
heating
, becoming the biggest producer by emitting about one-third of greenhouse gas in total. The second place
is taken
by other appliances, accounting for 28%, which is almost doubled of that in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
heating
(15%) and refrigeration (14%).
Furthermore
, lighting and cooling remain the minimal proportion of 8% and 3%
respectively
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
Language comes first. It’s not that language grows out of consciousness, if you haven’t got language, you can’t be conscious.
Alan Moore

IELTS academic The first chart below show how energy is used in an average Australian household. The second chart shows the greenhouse emissions which result from this energy use.

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
170 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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