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The diagram below shows how a glacier is made .

The diagram below shows how a glacier is made. VYY9A
This diagram shows how a glacier is formed and how it moves and changes. The major stages involved in this process are as follows: First of all, a large amount of snow falls on the top of mountain because the temperature at the top of the mountain is very low, this snow never melts. After more snow falls on top of it, the snow turns to ice. Eventually, a lot of ice is packed together, and then it forms a glacier. The glacier becomes very heavy and it starts to move slowly down the mountain. Rocks underneath the glacier are picked up and carried along. When the glacier reaches the bottom of the mountain, it starts to melt. The ice from the glacier is turned into meltwater. Next, this meltwater becomes a river and the rocks from the glacier are deposited on the riverbed. Finally, the river flows to the sea.
This diagram
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
how a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
glacier
is formed
and how it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
moves
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
. The major stages involved in this process are as follows:
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, a large amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
snow
falls on the top of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mountain
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the temperature at the top of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mountain
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
low, this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
snow
never melts. After more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
snow
falls on top of it, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
snow
turns to ice.
Eventually
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
ice
is packed
together, and then it forms a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
glacier
. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
glacier
becomes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
heavy and it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
starts
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
slowly
down the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mountain
. Rocks underneath the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
glacier
are picked
up and carried along. When the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
glacier
reaches the bottom of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mountain
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
starts
to melt. The ice from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
glacier
is turned
into meltwater.
Next
, this meltwater becomes a river and the rocks from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
glacier
are deposited
on the riverbed.
Finally
, the river flows to the sea.
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IELTS academic The diagram below shows how a glacier is made.

Academic
  American English
1 paragraphs
151 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
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  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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