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the comparison of the two music websites visitors

the comparison of the two music websites visitors PrqgK
The graph below illustrates the comparison of the two music websites visitors, namely Music Choice and Pop Parade. Overall, each of these sites has shown fluctuating trend in its visitors’ amount in 15 days. Specifically, Pop Parade tend to have consistent decrease in its visitors’ quantity in the first nine days. However, this site, subsequently, showed its radical escalation of its viewers until day 11, before it has been dropped until day 13. Pop parade, furthermore, has begun to show its second radical escalation until day 15. On the other side, in its first four days, Music Choice showed its inconsistent trend of its website’s viewers. This site, furthermore, tend to have constant visitors’ amount until day 11, although on some days, it has faced a slight increase. Music Choice, subsequently, has experienced its considerable increase on day 12, and tend to have a gradual trend again. Nevertheless, this site has faced its visitors’ decrease on day 15.
The graph below illustrates the comparison of the two
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music
websites
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
visitors
,
namely
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Music
Choice and Pop Parade.
Overall
, each of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sites
has shown fluctuating trend in its
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
visitors’
amount in 15 days.

Specifically
, Pop Parade tend to have consistent decrease in its
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
visitors’
quantity in the
first
nine days.
However
, this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
site
,
subsequently
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
its radical escalation of its viewers until day 11,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
it has
been dropped
until day 13. Pop parade,
furthermore
, has begun to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
its second radical escalation until day 15.

On the other side, in its
first
four days,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Music
Choice
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
its inconsistent trend of its website’s viewers. This
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
site
,
furthermore
, tend to have constant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
visitors’
amount until day 11, although on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
days, it has faced a slight increase.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Music
Choice,
subsequently
, has experienced its considerable increase on day 12, and tend to have a gradual trend again.
Nevertheless
, this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
site
has faced its
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
visitors’
decrease on day 15.
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IELTS academic the comparison of the two music websites visitors

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
158 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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