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The comparison of charts about Olympics

The comparison of charts about Olympics OggVj
The two charts illustrates information about athletes and their gender's who have participated in the Olympics. The bar chart shows the number of men and women while the line graph describes the number of participants. It is evident from both of them between 1984 and 2012 there was a significant rise in the weight of females and all participants. In 1924 and 1952 few women and up to 5000 men attended. However, from 1984 to 2012 the number of female athletes increased sharply and approached nearly 5000, it meant that women's participation rates were 1000 lower than men's. The line graph continues with the gradual increase to 1984, whereas the most significant change to upward in 1984 when the number of athletes shows rapid surge from 6000 to over 10000 in 2012. To summarize therefore, not only the number of participants but also female athletes are entering the Olympic Games much more than previous century.
The two charts illustrates information about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
and their gender's who have participated in the Olympics. The bar chart
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
and women while the line graph
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
describes
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of participants.

It is evident from both of them between 1984 and 2012 there was a significant rise in the weight of females and all participants. In 1924 and 1952 few women and up to 5000
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
attended.
However
, from 1984 to 2012 the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of female
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
increased
sharply
and approached
nearly
5000, it meant that women's participation rates were 1000 lower than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
's.

The line graph continues with the gradual increase to 1984, whereas the most significant
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
to upward in 1984 when the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
rapid surge from 6000 to over 10000 in 2012.

To summarize
therefore
, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of participants
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
female
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
are entering the Olympic Games much more than previous century.

IELTS academic The comparison of charts about Olympics

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
155 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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