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The charts below show the percentage of time younger and older people spend on various Internet activities in their free time (excluding email). Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant. » Write at least 150 words.

the charts demonstrate the proportion of time adults and elders spend on Internet activities in their spare time. It is clearly seen that the rate of time on social networking in young group accounted for the highest level while the figure for games in old group was the lowest. The percentage of time younger and older spend on researching was 20% and 26% respectively. Both age groups spend the same time making purchases, with nearly 14%. The rate of time people who were 18-26 years old access music or film was 21% while the figure for entertainment in old group was only 17%. The younger age group spends a majority of their time on social networking, at 24% compared to only 8% of the time elderly people spend. The proportion of time younger use their time on games was 18% while the figure for games in old group stood at only 5%. Making bookings accounted for 29% of the total time that older people used to in their free time. Meanwhile, the percentage of time for bookings in young group was only 5%.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter.
the
charts demonstrate the proportion of
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time
adults and elders
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spend
on Internet activities in their spare
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time
. It is
clearly
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seen
that the rate of
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time
on social networking in young
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group
accounted for the highest level while the figure for games in
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old
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group
was the lowest. The percentage of
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time
younger and older
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spend
on researching was 20% and 26%
respectively
. Both age
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groups
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spend
the same
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time
making
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchases
, with
nearly
14%. The rate of
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time
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who were 18-26 years
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old
access music or film was 21% while the figure for entertainment in
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old
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group
was
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only
17%. The younger age
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group
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spends
a majority of their
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time
on social networking, at 24% compared to
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only
8% of the
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time
elderly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
. The proportion of
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time
younger
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their
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time
on games was 18% while the figure for games in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
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group
stood at
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only
5%. Making bookings accounted for 29% of the total
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time
that older
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to in their free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. Meanwhile, the percentage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for bookings in young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
was
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
5%.

IELTS academic The charts below show the percentage of time younger and older people spend on various Internet activities in their free time (excluding email).

Academic
  American English
1 paragraphs
183 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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  • The charts below show the percentage of time younger and older people spend on various Internet activities in their free time (excluding email). Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant. » Write at least 150 words.