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The charts below show the percentage of time working adults spent on different activities in a particular country in 1958 and 2008.

The given two pie charts illustrates the daily schedule of working adults in one country for two different years, 1958 and 2008. Overall it can be seen that, most of the people spent time on working, where as that on going out decreased over the years. In 1958, almost 33% of the adults spent the time on working and 32% time on sleeping 19% people passed time with friends and family for going out Apart from this, other activities such as playing sports, relaxing at home and travelling to work in this adults can spent 16% from their schedule. In 2008, the time spent on working increased by 9% and the time spent on sleeping reduced by 7%. There was a significant decline in the time spent on going out with friends and family. It dropped from 19% to 6%. The time of travelling to work was increased from 2% to 8%. Also the time spent on relaxing at home and playing sports also rose from 8% to 13% and from 6% to 8% respectively. To conclude, working and relaxing at home took more time from the one day schedule.
The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
two pie charts illustrates the daily schedule of
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working
adults in one country for two
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
years, 1958 and 2008.
Overall
it can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that, most of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
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spent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on
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working
,
Did you mean “whereas”?
where as
that
The adjective “ongoing” is spelled as one word.
on going
out decreased over the years.

In 1958, almost 33% of the adults
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spent
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on
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working
and 32%
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time
on sleeping 19%
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
passed
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time
with friends and family for going out Apart from this, other activities such as playing sports, relaxing at home and travelling to work in
‘This’ does not seem to match the plural noun ‘adults’. Did you mean “these”?
this
adults can
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spent
16% from their schedule.

In 2008, the
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time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spent
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
increased by 9% and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spent
on sleeping
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
by 7%. There was a significant decline in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spent
on going out with friends and family. It dropped from 19% to 6%. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
of travelling to work
was increased
from 2% to 8%.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Also
the
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time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spent
on relaxing at home and playing sports
also
rose from 8% to 13% and from 6% to 8%
respectively
.

To conclude
,
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working
and relaxing at home took more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
from the
When a number forms part of an adjectival compound, use a hyphen: “one-day”
one day
schedule.
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IELTS academic The charts below show the percentage of time working adults spent on different activities in a particular country in 1958 and 2008.

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
190 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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