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the charts below show how selected age groups bought concert, cinema. theater tickets online over the first three months of 2013 in three countries and how the internet was accessed

the charts below show how selected age groups bought concert, cinema. theater tickets online over the first three months of 2013 in three countries and how the internet was accessed BJEgV
The bar charts depict the percentage of different age groups purchasing concert, cinema, theatre tickets online during the first three months of 2013, common internet access in the UK, Australia, Malaysia. In general, it is apparently observed that people in the 25-44 age group tended to buy online tickets. Additionally, the desktop computer was the dominant access in both three countries. It is noticeable in the first chart, people who were 25-44 in Australia and the UK showed an equal proportion of buying online tickets, at 50%, followed by 40% of whom in Malaysia. In terms of individuals aged over 65, the figure was approximately 50%, compared with roughly 40% of Malaysians and Bristishes. When it comes to the second chart, the desktop computer was the most popular means of access in three different nations, especially in Malaysia with more than 65%. Regarding laptops, the data for Malaysia and Australia were relatively similar, about 45%, compared to 30% of the UK. However, purchasing tickets on mobile phones witnessed a lower number, around 30% of Malaysian and over 20% of British and Australian.
The bar charts depict the percentage of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
age groups purchasing concert, cinema,
Possible spelling mistake. 'theatre' is British English.
theatre
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tickets
online during the
first
three months of 2013, common internet access in the UK, Australia, Malaysia.

In general
, it is
apparently
observed that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in the 25-44 age group tended to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tickets
.
Additionally
, the desktop computer was the dominant access in both three countries.

It is noticeable in the
first
chart,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who were 25-44 in Australia and the UK
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
an equal proportion of buying online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tickets
, at 50%, followed by 40% of whom in Malaysia. In terms of individuals aged over 65, the figure was approximately 50%, compared with roughly 40% of Malaysians and
Possible spelling mistake found.
Bristishes
.

When it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to the second chart, the desktop computer was the most popular means of access in three
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
nations,
especially
in Malaysia with more than 65%. Regarding laptops, the data for Malaysia and Australia were
relatively
similar, about 45%, compared to 30% of the UK.
However
, purchasing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tickets
on mobile phones witnessed a lower number, around 30% of Malaysian and over 20% of British and Australian.
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IELTS academic the charts below show how selected age groups bought concert, cinema. theater tickets online over the first three months of 2013 in three countries and how the internet was accessed

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
182 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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