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The chart below shows the total number of minutes (in billions) of telephone calls in the UK, divided into three categories, from 1995-2002. v.4

The chart below shows the total number of minutes (in billions) of telephone calls in the UK, divided into three categories, from 1995-2002. v. 4
A glance at the bar graph reveals how many minutes (in billions) of telephone conversations were made in Britain in eight years, 1995 to 2002. Overall, the local fixed-line calls were the most popular type from 1995 to 2002 but the increasing use of cell phone in later years was noticeable. In 1995, the local call duration was 70 billion minutes and then it steadily rose to approximately 90 billion after four years. However, the local calls span rapidly slipped to somewhere in the vicinity of 70 and 80 billion. In a stark contrast, the national and international - fixed lines and mobiles (all calls) features showed upward trends. It is evident that the national and international fixed line calls climbed gradually from just under 40 to 60 billion in 2002. The mobiles calls, however, grew steadily in the first five years and after that witnessed a quick rise to more than 40 billion minutes. It is interesting to note that through eight years period, the local fixed-line calls remained the highest among three call types in the United Kingdom.
A glance at the bar graph reveals how
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
minutes (in
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billions)
of telephone conversations
were made
in Britain in eight years, 1995 to 2002.
Overall
, the
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local
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fixed
-line
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calls
were the most popular type from 1995 to 2002
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the increasing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of cell phone in later years was noticeable.

In 1995, the
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local
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call
duration was 70
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billion
minutes and then it
steadily
rose to approximately 90
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billion
after four years.
However
, the
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local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
calls
span
rapidly
slipped to somewhere in the vicinity of 70 and 80
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billion
. In a stark contrast, the national and international
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fixed
lines and mobiles (all
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calls)
features
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
upward trends.

It is evident that the national and international
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fixed
line
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calls
climbed
gradually
from
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just
under 40 to 60
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billion
in 2002. The mobiles
You should probably use "call".
calls
,
however
, grew
steadily
in the
first
five years and after that witnessed a quick rise to more than 40
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
billion
minutes.

It is interesting to note that through eight years period, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fixed
-line
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
calls
remained the highest among three
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
call
types in the United Kingdom.
4Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
Language is the road map of a culture. It tells you where its people come from and where they are going.
Rita Mae Brown

IELTS academic The chart below shows the total number of minutes (in billions) of telephone calls in the UK, divided into three categories, from 1995-2002. v. 4

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
180 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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