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The chart below shows the proportion of staff employed by age in the public sector in the UK in 2015 and 2020.

The pie charts illustrate the ages of people employed in the UK public sector during two years, 2015 and 2020. Overall, while the percentage of those employed in their 20s and 40s increased, employment for other ages groups, particularly the over 50s, fell. To begins with the first year, the percentage of under 21 employment rate was 14% in 2015, but it is decreased 2% in 2020 and they stable on 12%. The ratio of employment in 21 to 30 age is increase one in ten because the chart show in 2015 age group 21 to 30 was 23% and in 2020 they increase 10% and the furthermore increases see in the age 41 to 50 thy increase 9%. In addition the age group 31 to 40 employment is very decreased becasue in past the percentage was 21% but in 2020 they decrease one in ten and stable on 11% and the over half age employment rate is also decrease because in 2015 the employment rate was 23% but in 2020 they has decrease 7% and they stable on less then a fifth.
The pie charts illustrate the
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ages
of
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people
employed in the UK public sector during two years, 2015 and 2020.
Overall
, while the percentage of those employed in their 20s and 40s increased,
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employment
for other
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ages
groups,
particularly
the over 50s, fell.

To
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begins
with the
first
year, the percentage of under 21
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employment
rate was 14% in 2015,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it
is decreased
2% in
Use a comma before ‘and’ if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
2020 and
they stable on 12%. The ratio of
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employment
in 21 to 30
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age
is
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increase
one in ten
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because
the chart
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
in 2015
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age
group 21 to 30 was 23% and in 2020 they
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increase
10% and the
furthermore
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increases
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
in the
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age
41 to 50 thy
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increase
9%. In
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
addition
the
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age
group 31 to 40
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employment
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
decreased
Possible spelling mistake found.
becasue
in past the percentage was 21%
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but
in 2020 they decrease one in ten and stable on 11% and the over half
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age
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employment
rate is
also
decrease
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because
in 2015 the
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employment
rate was 23%
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
in 2020 they
The pronoun ‘they’ must be used with a non-third-person form of a verb: “have”
has
decrease
Use a comma before ‘and’ if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
7% and
they stable on less
Comparison requires “than”, not ‘then’ nor ‘as’.
then
a fifth.
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IELTS academic The chart below shows the proportion of staff employed by age in the public sector in the UK in 2015 and 2020.

Academic
  American English
2 paragraphs
183 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
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Grammatical Range: 5.5
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  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
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    Present relevant ideas
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