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The chart below shows the male and female internet users aged 15-24 in Canada in 2000. v.1

The chart below shows the male and female internet users aged 15-24 in Canada in 2000. v. 1
The bar chart outlines online activities of young Canadian males and females who were between 15 to 24 years old in the year 2000. Generally speaking, email communication was the most common activity among these users and a higher percentage of male internet users were engaged in social networking than that of females while women email users and online shoppers exceeded the ratio of male netizens. According to the given illustration, young Canadian internet users primarily used email applications and their second most preferred online activity was social networking. Among the internet users, 48% females used emails and this ratio was 7% higher than that of male email users. Regarding the social networking members, 28% of these netizens were males and this ration was exactly 4% higher than that of females. Almost one in five young female intent users did online shopping while male online shopper’s percentage was 13.   The remaining 9% males were involved in other online activities while this was 18%, precisely double in the case of females.
The bar chart outlines
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online
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activities
of young Canadian
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males
and
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females
who were
Use "between" + "and" not "to." Try this: "between 15 and 24".
between 15 to 24
years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
in the year 2000.
Generally
speaking, email communication was the most common
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activity
among these
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users
and a higher percentage of male internet
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users
were engaged
in social networking than that of
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females
while women email
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users
and
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online
shoppers exceeded the ratio of male netizens.

According to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
illustration, young Canadian internet
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users
primarily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
email applications and their second most preferred
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online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
was social networking. Among the internet
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users
, 48%
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females
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
emails and this ratio was 7% higher than that of male email
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
users
. Regarding the social networking members, 28% of these netizens were
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
males
and this ration was exactly 4% higher than that of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
. Almost one in five young
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female
intent
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users
did
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online
shopping while male
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online
shopper’s percentage was 13.
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
The remaining 9%
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males
were involved
in other
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online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
while this was 18%,
precisely
double in the case of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
.
1Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
26Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS academic The chart below shows the male and female internet users aged 15-24 in Canada in 2000. v. 1

Academic
  American English
2 paragraphs
171 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
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